I Should Have...

Do you ever find yourself saying, "I should've known that. I should've done that. I should've been there."?

If you are like most people, when you stop to listen to your internal dialog you will find that you are "shoulding" on yourself a whole lot. But is that really a problem?

I think "shoulding" on yourself is a big problem. Why? Because the net result is that you are telling yourself you are flawed. If you drop the "ould" off the should and replace it with "ame" you have SHAME.

Now, healthy shame is what keeps our clothes on in public and reminds us that we have limits and boundaries that we must stay within to be healthy. However, unhealthy shame is that sense that we are flawed and coming up short if we aren't all-knowing, all-powerful, all-present - in other words, God.

Notice when you "should" yourself next time. Do you feel good about yourself or flawed and bad?

In the Garden of Eden, the serpent told Adam and Eve they SHOULD be like God. They bought the lie and bit the fruit in a frantic effort to avoid being flawed and limited. What did it produce? More shame and more limitations. What a mess!

So what do you do about the "shoulds"?

First of all, accept that you aren't God and weren't created to be God. You have limits! There are times that you won't know, won't be able to change things, you won't be able to attend an event or be there for someone. You aren't flawed - just limited!

Secondly, do a "fast switch" of words. Huh? Switch the word "should" with "wish" and try it on and see if it fits.

Replace "I should've gone to that party." with "I wish I had gone to that party." Does it fit? If so, allow yourself to experience the disappointment of missing out on something that would have been nice. If it doesn't fit, release it as false guilt and shame and say, "No, I really didn't want to go to that party - that's why I didn't go."

Try to stop beating up on yourself with the "shoulds" and accept that you are not God.