Endoskelton, Exoskeleton or Jellyfish?

I've found a number of people that I counsel do not have a backbone. Usually this surfaces in the counseling session when they present themselves as overloaded, overwhelmed, full of resentments, and ready to quit life. They are mad!

I usually say, "You are ticked at them because you don't have a backbone!" I get a confused look, but I continue. "You wouldn't be so ticked if people wouldn't take advantage of you, continually ask of you, walk all over you and mistreat you. You're mad at them because YOU don't have a spine."

I know that sounds harsh, but the fact of the matter is we don't like to grow a spine. We don't want to have to set boundaries and assert our space in the universe. We want people to automatically respect our person, space and things without having to speak up. Without ever having to say "NO!"

Blessed are the doormats for they shall inherit the heals.

If you don't have a backbone and don't know how to be assertive by speaking up for yourself, you will usually take the path of developing an exoskeleton or you will remain a jellyfish for the rest of your miserable life.

Those that don't learn assertiveness tend to develop an exoskeleton - a hard, external shell. Like a crab or a crawfish, you look for your protection by keeping everyone out with your tough exterior. That seems to protect your insides but it ultmately eliminates the possibility of experiencing any real pleasure from the outside world.

A crab doesn't enjoy being stroked or cuddled. The feelings can't get through the tough exterior. Cold blooded as they are, they just become scavengers for others' waste and bottom feed throughout life.

Jellyfish aren't much better. Try to hug a jellyfish and they will just go to nothing, slime you or worse - sting you. These invertebrates are tossed about by the storms of life and their only protection is to passively sting after someone gets to close or violates. They are masters of passive-agression!

So what do you do? Get a spine! Set boundaries and learn to say "No!" so that your yeses can be true yeses. Henry Cloud and John Townsend have written a great book on the subject entitled Boundaries.

If you need help developing a backbone give me a call or shoot me an email.

Good fences make good neighbors!