On Becoming Community

Becoming community is not an easy process! Whether it is a community of two - marriage - or a community of many - church - becoming community is like making sausage. It is not a pretty process.

There are four developmental processes on the way to community. The first stage is:

1) Faking it. In this stage there is pseudo-community. A whole lot of pretending is going on in this first stage. Think of couples who are on their best behavior when they first start dating. It would be impossible NOT to fall in love because both are so airbrushed, picture perfect.

Churches do this, too. When churches are early in their community, developmental process there is a whole lot of faking it going on. People act like they "have it all together" and who wouldn't want to join the church - it's perfect! Everyone gets along and likes each other. It appears like a real community, but it is not.

This isn't a slam, it's just not there yet. You have to graciously accept that a church is immature and hasn't yet "grown up". Sadly some churches and some marriages never grow up. They stay on the surface of pseudo-community, faking it to their heart's dis-content. It never satisfies long-term!

2) The second stage is chaos. In this stage of community development, the veneer of perfection begins to crack and the defects begin to surface. This is a scary time for communities of two and communities of many. This is the make or break it time of community life. Conflict is common and necessary at this stage but is often resisted. Crisis management is put into high gear and "fixing" the problems becomes the rallying cry. Fixing the problems, though, are often a call to regress to the faking it stage.

Play nice boys and girls! And like windshield wipers that get too close and clash, the communities separate and keep their distance and never experience true intimacy. If you are going to dance close, you are going to step on each other's toes. If you want to never step on toes, just don't dance close.

Many will bail from community at this stage and go looking for another community. What they find usually is another group or person in the early stages of pseudo-community and the process starts all over again. They didn't manage the developmental process before, there is not much hope for moving through the stages in the future. They are stuck in the loop of fake it, chaos, flee - fake it, chaos, flee.

Those couples and churches that do manage to move through the chaos find themselves at the beginning of the third stage:

3) Releasing. In this stage, couples and churches release their personal agendas and start to hear the other or others. Stories begin to emerge and present struggles are shared - there is room for silence, sadness and tears without being "fixed". Acceptance is being birthed in this stage and people are truly met for the first time. This leads to:

4) A Community of Love. It is at this point that home is experienced. Couples say they have found their best friend and people describe church as coming home. Differences are accepted, celebrated and honored. Peace is experienced - not a fake peace - but a hard won peace that allows all to be human and you are safe. Even conflict is accepted as the opportunity to grow more intimate, for intimacy is really just - Into-Me-See.

So, there you have it. On becoming community you must remember that community doesn't just happen. It is developed and it is not easy. It is scary and messy but most of all worth it.

Sadly, I find that when I look at community on this level I realize that I have experienced very little true community in my life. What keeps me going in my quest for community? The Community of Father, Son and Holy Spirit and our inclusion in it.

Because we have been included in the Triune Community, my prayer is that the Kingdom of God (community) will be fully expressed on earth as it is in heaven and that we can be participants and helpers of community here and now. I know we ultimately cannot create community - Community is because of God - but we can give ourself to participate in community or we can resist community. Remember though, we were created for community and you have been included through Jesus.

Just some unfinished thoughts...