Demanding or Commanding Respect?

WARNING - This blog is for the ladies, although you men might need to read on.

I am struck by how many women think that the best way to gain respect from a man is by demanding it. You search for the right words to say to get his attention. In a moment of pain you might fly off the handle (yes, men do that, too!) and let him have it verbally. You plead, beg, threaten, cajole - all to no avail!

The clothes stay on the floor. He still criticizes your cooking. That date alone without the kids has not been arranged and his dirty dishes are still at the table where he got up from the meal without a "Wow! What a great meal! Thanks!"

What do you do? Fuss, nag, complain? That usually doesn't work and if it does, the change is fleeting. Here's why. You are demanding respect.

Demanding respect has to do with your words and your words will never work! Action works with men, not words. Why? For men, words are used for positioning, while women use words for connecting. Thinking like a women (imagine that!) you try to connect with your man by letting him know (with passion) how terribly painful it is to feel so disrespected. He hears the following: "She's trying to get the upper hand, I will pull out my words and rise above her and show her who's boss."

You now feel totally devalued and unloved and remove yourself from the situation (some with more words and attempts than others). The net result is the man says to himself, "There, I'm top dog! I won, she lost! Now who's playing tonight on ESPN?"

I'm not trying to bash my fellow man and suck up to you ladies, it's just an observation. It's not that he's a pig, that's just how men work and we usually don't mean it personally. It's all about positioning and 1) he's designed to fight on terms of words; and 2) if you win the war of words you are now with a castrated man. What have you really won?

What do you do? Command respect! Instead of letting your words go in one ear, get labeled nagging or worse, and go out the other ear; it's time for action!

Robin and I had been married for a very short time. I was 21 and she was 20 (can you see the coming train wreck?). One day I arrived home from work or school (or the playground) and Robin had ironed all my clothes. Every ironable article of clothing was ironed and hanging in the closet. She was proud and I was not impressed.

You must understand, growing up my mother didn't iron my clothes - she pressed them. Not only were the wrinkles removed but the creases were in all the right places (my jeans were pressed, too - yikes!).

I looked at the clothes she had ironed (not pressed) and stated, "Honey, I need to take you home to my mother and let her teach you how to iron my clothes."

STUPID!!!!!!!!!!!!

I married a great gal and the daughter of the Colonel calmly informed me with a twinge of hurt in her voice, "Mark, you can go home to your mother and let her teach you how to iron your clothes. I'm not ironing them anymore."

That's it. She said no more about it. She walked away and got on with the evening. It was uneventful except for looking back.

I wore all my clothes and she washed and folded them but didn't once touch an iron to them. Finally, I ran out of ironed clothes and realized, that girl meant business. What did I do? I huffed a little. Sighed a lot. Tried to make her feel guilty but she didn't bite!

Finally, I called my mother and asked, "Just how do you iron those shirts mom?" and my history of ironing began. How long did Robin keep her course? EIGHT YEARS! Yep, count them - 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8 years! Not once did she say a word about it or treat me poorly. She just didn't iron my clothes.

What did I learn? I can't have the best of her and disrespect her! Note to self - CHANGE!

Actions DO speak louder than words, ladies.