Even More Q&A

Q. How do I get back to a point where I love my husband?

A. That is a great question, many couples face the painful awareness that they have drifted apart and no longer have those loving feelings for their spouse. At the point that it becomes obvious to you it can really scare the bejeabers out of you.

What do you do? Do you believe the Righteous Brothers and just accept that it’s gone, gone, gone, whoa? I hope not. I love that song, but it is not an accurate understanding of love.

First of all, let’s define love. I think the thing that most people are referring to when a question such as this is being raised is romantic fondness. What do I do when I no longer have romantic or emotional fondness for my spouse? Al though this is a significant aspect of love, it is not love.

Love is the act of the will to extend ones self in the best interest of another. Love is not an emotion it is action. Now things can be done and said that hurt and change our level of fondness. The scriptures say that if you want a friend you must show yourself friendly. And that goes for marriage, if a marriage is to be full of fondness and connection there must be kindness. You can’t tell your wife she is fat and expect her to warm up to you when you approach her for affection. That won’t happen.

So how do you get back? There are a couple of steps. First of all you have to do a stop-loss investigation. Just as businesses have to see where they are bleeding ink and stop the losses, couples need to take an inventory of their relational patterns and determine what is depleting them of their emotional fondness. Usually it involves a combination of criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. These areas have to be addressed in order to plug the holes in your marriage that are causing your love to leak.

After you plug the holes in your love tank. You have to invest and refill the love tank. That doesn’t mean that you then look at your spouse and say, “Well, what are going to do now to make me feel loved.” It means you say to yourself, “Well, what am I going to do to make my spouse feel loved.” The Scriptures say that where are treasures are is where our heart will be as well. We need to begin to invest in our spouse. Invest what? Loving Actions. When you invest loving actions, loving feelings will follow if you are or have worked to plug up the leaks.

What are the loving actions? Focus on what he does right rather than what he does wrong. Be quick to catch him doing “good” and express your gratitude. Talk with your husband rather than at him. What I mean is, engage in chit-chat, small talk, friendship talk that has you turning to him and sharing your life with him rather than dumping on him all your feelings and thoughts in a long drawn out monologue of pain.

Cultivate common interests. Willard Harley in his book “His Needs, Her Needs” says that husbands desire a recreational companion. You don’t have to spend every waking moment with him, but find things the two of you can do and enjoy together and watch your fondness increase.

Go to bed at the same time. It’s not for what will happen in the bed but having the time to be close and allow for times of connection. When couples don’t go to bed at the same time, they miss out on the opportunities to talk and feel close. Try not to sleep in separate beds or bedrooms. If the only time the two of you go to bed at the same time is for physical intimacy, then you will begin to feel more used than loved.

And finally, if you want to get back to the point of loving your husband or feeling fond of him. Take walks together and stay at the same pace. Robin and I, during our courting days walked all over Clinton together. We weren’t going anywhere, just wandering around connecting and enjoying each other’s company. Our love was literally built on the streets of Clinton, Mississippi. Spend the time together and watch the fires rekindle in your marriage.

So, once again, plug the holes in your love tank, then fill your love tank with loving actions and thoughts and you will find those loving feeling return, return, return, yeah, yeah, yeah..


Q. Can God actually encourage divorce?

A. My answer is “I don’t think so.” If you read throughout the scriptures you find that God’s plan and desire for all couples is to stay together in a loving, honoring relationship. When a marriage comes to a point where it has violated certain significant boundaries, God allows for divorce but I don’t think He’s saying, “I want you to get a divorce.” What God desires is repentance, a transformed life through a changed heart and mind. This transformation would lead once again to a loving, honoring marriage.

But sadly, many times one or both spouse refuses to repent and leaves the marriage with little hope of living up to God’s plans and desires. You see God struggling with this and His love relationship with Israel in Jeremiah 3. Israel was unfaithful and unrepentant in her idolatry that God label as adultery. God brokenheartedly gives Israel a certificate of divorce recognizing her heart and will and yet still calls for true repentance and offers assurances of forgiveness and love to her.

If God forbids divorce, as some say He does, he went against himself. God hates divorce, He states that in the Bible, but why? Because it does not reflect His desire and plan for us. It is always the result of someone’s hard heart and refusal to live in a way that reflects God’s life and love.

God is both Idealistic and Realistic. God puts forward His ideal life and tells us of the blessings that will flow by living in sync with His plan and He recognizes our will and is realistic in that He knows that we will all stray and bring upon ourselves the consequences for not living out the ideal. Thank God that He sent His Son, Jesus to be our salvation, for none of us are ideal, except Him and that which he has done and does is for us, giving us a share in His ideal relationship with The Father. If you are struggling with whether or not to divorce, I would encourage you to consider a few things.

First, is your relationship where it is today, because of what you have done or are doing? If so, begin the process of repentance. You may need help with that, and Christian counseling can be a resource to help you turn in the ways needed for restoration of your marriage.

If your marriage is where it is today because of your spouse and they refuse to turn and participate in the marriage in a loving, honoring way, it is not your responsibility or duty to hold them against their will. Just as God acknowledged the heart of Israel, you may have to acknowledge your spouses heart and give them a divorce. I hope that, like God, you will also show his love with the call to repentance and return and the assurance of love and forgiveness.

I have three daughters and I hate skinned knees. Why? Because I love them and hate how it hurts them. God loves us and hates divorce because it hurts us and His desire is not for us to live in pain. If you are facing the possibility of divorce, don’t rush through this, seek Godly counsel and take your time. This is a huge step and should only be the last step after all attempts for repentance and reconciliation have been tried.