Q&A

Q: Mr. Simpson, I was listening to your online "Help I have a Teenager" and I have a different dilemma than most parents. I've been smoking pot with my son and feel so guilty that he has no respect for me now. What should I do?

A: First of all, good for you that you are taking steps to make amends for past unwise decisions. That is the hardest step!

Your son has looked for you to set limits and you have not done so. It will take a lot of work to rectify this situation. I always say it would have been a lot easier to have kept Saddam out of Kuwait than to kick him out later. You have a battle on your hands.

For starters, you stop smoking pot. You can only lead when you have moral authority. You may have to say, "Son, I was wrong and I let you down but I am going to change that." It is at that point you have to stop feeling guilty for past mistakes and do what you needed to do all along - be the parent.

You would probably benefit from some professional help to get the car back on the road and out the ditches. You can always give us a call at 601-924-3311

Q: How do you get a spouse to open up and speak after they get angry and stop speaking?

When a spouse stops speaking during or after a conflict it probably means that they are experiencing a great deal of pain emotionally. There is actually a term for that behavior – it’s stonewalling. Stonewalling occurs when you someone feels someone feels so overwhelmed by their experience that the only thing they know to do is survive, and survival comes by hiding behind a great wall. Men will tend to stonewall when they are angry, physiologically distressed and feel inadequate. Research shows that men experience greater physiological distress by conflict than do women.

Women tend to stonewall when they feel unsafe and ill equipped to argue with their husband, who may be using his quote “logic” to run the conversation. Either way, stonewalling shuts down all things.

So what do you do? For starters, take a break. Usually a 30-minute time out will help the situation settle and allow the body to resume to its normal level of functioning. Secondly be gentle. If you saw the movie, The Two Towers in the Lord of The Ring series, you may recall the scene where The Fortress Helms Deep is being attacked by the dark forces. The feelings of despair inside the fortress intensifies as the attackers begin to use their tactics to either scale the wall or blow a hole in it. Emotionally that may be what your spouse feels when you are attempting to get them to open up once they have begun stonewalling.

You cannot fight or pry your way into your spouse’s Helms Deep, this will be experienced as an attack and will only serve to intensify the stonewalling. Instead, after the time out, come gently to your spouse and try and enter through the gate without any hidden weapons or zingers. Come in peace.

Honor the wall and say something like this, “I notice you have shut me out and that says to me that our argument was painful for you. I also realize that closing off is your way of trying to protect yourself and our relationship, thank you. Would you share with me what it is that is troubling you and maybe we can find a better way through this keeps us connected and has both of us winning.

This is not an easy task, but it is necessary. When stonewalling is present often, take it seriously. John Gottman labels it as one of the Four Horseman of the marital apocalypse.
You may want to consider seeking marital counseling if your attempts to enter in through the gate are not successful, because self-protective stances are probably pretty entrenched and over time they will only be fortified.