More Q&A

Q. What do I do when my husband wants me to forgive him and drop an issue but in order to do so I need to talk through it first?

A. Many times it is hard to move on with an issue until things are sorted out and we have a sense that things will change.

For many guys it is hard to discuss things and you may hear him pull the FIDO maneuver –you know - Forget It and Drive On. But it may seem next to impossible to drop something if you feel that the two of you haven’t arrived at a consensus.

I know this is a generalization but ladies tend to be consensus builders. Their conversations are peppered with, “Don’t you agree?” or “Do you see what I’m saying.” You are used to entering into conversations with other ladies and working hard to hear each other’s points. You look to share an experience if you will.

Guys use language for a totally different purpose, to gain position. Here’s another generalization, but men tend to use conversations to win and one up. That’s why when a group of guys are standing around telling war stories or jokes you will hear things like, “You think that’s bad, wait till you hear this...” or “You think that’s funny, get a load of this…” Positioning is occurring in these encounters.

For your husband he may feel as though you are trying to gain a “one-up” position over him and make him look bad. Something men tend to avoid. That’s is why you will probably hear him say, “ I said I’m sorry. What else do you want from me?”

Now you may say that is ridiculous but it won’t help you work things out with your husband. Accepting the way things are and then learning to work with what you have is the way forward. Remember, Judo doesn’t work by blocks but by taking ones movement and direction and using that energy to move them where you want to go. I’m not talking about being manipulative, I’m saying you have to work within the framework of what works.

Let’s face it, you want to discuss the issue for a couple reasons, the primary one being security. You have been hurt and you want some level of assurance that he understands what you have gone through and won’t hurt you in the same way again. So the way forward is your attempt at consensus building. Instead of hitting your head against the FIDO wall, I suggest you take another approach.

Gary Smalley has some great resources on communication and he recommends using words pictures. This works cross-gender in both directions, but men tend to respond exceptionally well to this approach. If you tell him a story that communicates your experience, you will have a much better chance of him hearing you, considering your feelings and remembering. Just think, much of Jesus’ teaching was in parables or word pictures.

Let me give you an example:
Maybe you have worked hard all week to get things in order just so you can have free time with your husband. Although the two of you haven’t discussed it, your hopes are to spend time together doing something special or just goofing off. Without asking he calls you Friday afternoon and tells you he’s invited a coworker and his wife over Saturday to cook out on your new deck. Your crushed, you feel so excluded and disrespected. He didn’t ask you or consider your plans; he just assumed you would be up for his plans.

You bring it up to him and he gets mad, says something about calling off the cookout, you say no, the two of you tensely entertain on Saturday and as the night progresses he warms up to you. After the guests are gone, and the house is put back into some form of tidiness, he snuggles up to you in bed and you are tense and hurt. He asks what’s wrong, you begin to tell him, and he blurts out, “I’m sorry!” and expects you to be filled with glee and give him a huge kiss. It ain’t happening! You need to process and all you get are his sighs.

Happens all the time. But how do you use a word picture? Here goes one:

“Honey what if you worked all week knowing if you got the big project completed you were going to receive an all expenses paid round of golf at your favorite golf resort with your best friend. And after having busted it, you finally pulled it off and on the way home to pack, you get a phone call and are told by your boss, things had come up and they decided to give that bonus to someone in accounting. How would you feel? What would you do?”

It is at this time you let him talk and after he responds, you say simply, “That’s how I felt this weekend when I worked hard this week to play with my best friend only to have my bonus given to your coworker.”

Then it is important to add the following, “I think this is how I contributed to the problem. I never told you what I was working for; I just assumed and didn’t discuss it with you.”

Now drop it, don’t try to point out what he did wrong, you did in the story. Let the story work and by acknowledging your part in the problem and not his, his defenses aren’t as peaked and he is more inclined to look at what he did wrong.

Stories will get you heard, don’t look for consensus, look for communication and word pictures will translate.