What keeps us from experiencing life and freedom? Why is it that we are more prone to live out of toxic waste instead of rivers of living water? I think it is because we have neglected soul mechanics. We are not aware of how we work from the inside out. We have swallowed the lie that life is external. Change behavior and you have a healthy soul. This isn’t just something thought up by humanists, this goes back even to the Pharisees. People whom Jesus called white-washed tombs. You are behaving well on the outside but your insides are corrupted.
The physical nature of this world presses in hard on you and me trying to get our minds to conform to its way of thinking. It speaks a word of circumstances that sounds like this, “What you see is what you get!” There is nothing more than meets the eye.” The Scriptures call this flesh - the temporal system in which we live. The flesh does not point us to tomorrow or faith, but the present and self-salvation. It points out the present circumstances and tells you that you are on your own and if it is to be it is up to you. When things are flying high you feel alright and when things are out of control you panic. Either way you are left only with yourself and those you can control and manipulate to fix your present condition.
All the garbage and toxic waste you see in someone’s life is the fruit of a soul that is in some way trying to live independent of God and thus set out to save itself. Ultimately, the constant fluctuation of life leaves the person profoundly insecure. And this insecurity doesn’t leave us neutral, it sends us scurrying about trying to find a word, a substance that we can hang our hat on and find peace. And when we encounter someone who is bubbling up toxic waste, even when it is our spouse, we go into control mode. We attempt to clean up the toxic waste dump rather than cure the root of the diseased soul.
We go into what I like to call “sin management”; white washing the outside without curing the inside. Although this may work temporarily, it never lasts and it always leaves us more wounded and with a greater sense of helplessness. This physical system, the flesh, the world does not want us to know the truth. It knows that if we posses the truth we are free and no longer under the domination of the temporary system. And since the system itself knows that it can’t deliver the goods it just continues on its deceptive path of tricking you into submission to its whims.
Even the religious people around us can buy into this system. Some church structures are more interested in you being conformed to its system than being transformed by the spiritual. Conformity at all costs in order to control and keep you in submission.
God did not send his Son to manage our sin behavior. He would have had no need to; the Pharisees were behaving quite well. It has never been about behaving nicely. Jesus was not sent to teach people to conform to the moral code of the Ten Commandments, Jesus came to redeem, adopt, and secure a spot for us at the table. He came to accomplish his eternal plan which was transformation and participation in the home-life of the Father, Son and Spirit. And accomplish it he did.
The soul that is governed by the temporal system is bubbling up toxic waste produced by the credo “I am not (fill in the blank)! But I can become if (fill in another blank).” I am not special, but I can become if I become the head cheerleader. I am not significant, but I can become if I buy a 4 thousand square foot home. I am not beloved, but I can become if I can just turn my secretary’s head.” The list can go on and on and the strategies to salve the aching pain of the soul are endless, but only one will cure. It is to know the truth of the finished work of Jesus and to by faith find your identity, your true self, in Him.
What keeps so many marriages from being really soul connected and experiencing the joy of being soul mates is that they are busy trying to convert the toxic waste into living water. I hear over and over couples fighting like crazy to change the behavior of their spouse and most times it is because they have bought into the toxic lie of; “I am not special but if you will just show me attention I will become OK! Or I am not special but if you will just make love to me more frequently than I will be at peace.”
The more we try to change our mate, the more we are affirming the “I am not” message of the flesh. That increases the despair which intensifies the flow of toxic waste. How can we ever get off this roller coaster?
Creating a real soul connection is what we are talking about. We’ve discussed how we are living embodied souls in relationship. We’ve looked at how that means we work from the inside out and that real transformation occurs internally and works its way out. We’ve also talked about the fact that it is what you know in the depths of your soul that determines how you relate. If you believe that you are beloved then living water begins to flow out of your deepest parts and the relationships you are in nourishes those around you. If you believe in your soul you are not beloved, toxic waste will ooze out of your soul and will pollute the fellowship with others. Another thing we need to remember is that we are not talking about just a positive mental attitude of I am nice and attractive and doggoneit people like me. The knowing of the soul and cure of the soul comes only from finding your beloved-ness in relation to Christ.
Only the Eternal Word, Jesus, carries the weight and authority to speak to the soul and give it peace and rest. To hear the Word and trust the Word is to know peace. To reject the Word is to be left with yourself and you will inevitably go off looking for something to cure the pain of the soul.
We cannot begin to experience a real, healthy soul connection with our mate until the soul is healed and healing comes in relationship. No matter how good your relationship is, the cure for the soul will not come from your marriage relationship, however. There is a relationship that is more ancient and primary than your love for your husband or wife. It is the relationship with the Lover of Your Soul. The first place to begin in finding a soul connection is to give up on your spouse trying to save you. They are pointers to the cure they are not the cure. If your whole life is attached to the hope of your marriage, you are like the person who travels to a Holiday Inn and sleeps under the sign. You can say you slept at the Holiday Inn but you have missed the point and not really arrived.
When you begin to find your identity in relation to Christ, you will begin to have a center out of which you will be able to begin to love. You will not approach your mate in neediness but celebration and overflow. C.S. Lewis in his fantastic book The Great Divorce has an encounter of a husband and wife who meet in eternity. The husband has been in Hell and the wife in Heaven. He is chiding her for not coming to his rescue and living with him in hell. In the middle of their encounter he is appalled when she informs him she no longer needs him. She responds by saying, “Of course I no longer need you, what needs could I have now that I am in love Himself. Come with me we will no longer have any need for each other and we can begin to truly love.”
Neediness isn’t love, its dependency and dependency leads to crying for a bottle or a diaper change. That is the condition many couples are stuck in. The items are no longer diapers and bottles but rather attention, love, sex, money, and on and on.
If you and your spouse are in this journey together let me challenge you to look at each other and release each other from being your savior. Celebrate the fact that you are in Love Himself and that He will supply all your needs according to His riches and glory and affirm to each other your desire to participate in God’s love for your mate. True marital love is not filling the heart of your mate but sharing in God’s filling of your mate’s heart. When both of you recognize the source of your joy and passion you are also better able to accept the vessel’s limitations. We are wine bearers, not wine makers. Jesus is the winemaker.
If you and your spouse are not in this together and you are the only one trying to make it work, let me challenge you to confess to God your desire to let your spouse go from the role of being your savior. Celebrate the fact that you are in Love Himself and that He will supply all your needs according to His riches and glory and affirm to God your desire to participate in God’s love for your mate. Do not try to change your mate, love them with God’s love and acceptance.
Now let me be very clear here. Sometimes when a spouse is in a marriage where they are the only one trying it is possible to be in a place of abuse. To love your spouse with God’s love may require of you to say “No!” It may be that you have been a doormat because you have believed that you are not worth being treated well. Ask God for the knowledge and assurance of His love and to give you the courage to take a healthy and safe stand. If you need help doing this, seek competent counsel. At LifeChange Counseling Centers we are here to help.
So what do you do when you see the toxic bubble up in your spouse? Do you freak out and start screaming? No! Realize that toxic waste is the sign of a soul in pain. Help minister the cure and remember you are not the cure, giving in is not the cure, helping them see past their circumstances to who they are in Christ is the cure. Now I’m not talking about getting preachy with them. “Well, obviously someone’s forgotten who they are in Christ! You better get on your knees and beg God for forgiveness and get this toxic waste out of our living room.” That‘s not what we are getting at. What I mean is more like “Wow, honey, I see that you are really upset and hurting and I care. I also know that this bubble up isn’t who you are it is the pain of forgetting how precious you are. I want to remind you how precious you are to me but more importantly how precious you are to God. I know you are disappointed and I wish I could fix that for you, I can’t though, do you want to talk about the struggle inside your experiencing?”
You may be thinking that is too far fetched to ever happen, well it is if both of you aren’t willing to work toward being soul mates. This is only possible if the two of you want to be soul mates, and if you do, with Christ all things are possible!
If you are stuck in trying to become soul connected and need some help, give me a call at LifeChange and let’s try to work it out together.
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