The Three Commitments of Successful Couples (Part 4)

The third commitment to successful couples is the commitment to love your spouse. Now, I know that may sound obvious, but in reality it is not an easy task given the culture we live in with its warped definition of love. Just what is love? Well, there are different types of love. Let’s look at those. When it comes to relationships and mate selection there are 4 different types and stages of love.

The first type of love that we are introduced to is physical love. This stage of love is something that we typically enter into around the age of 12 or 13 years old. It is the earliest and most immature form of love and is also psychologically superficial. In this developmental stage of love, all the attention is placed on the outside. You may see the captain of the football team getting together with the captain of the cheerleading squad because they make such a cute or handsome couple. He looks good, she looks good, let’s get together. In this Physical stage of love, love is something you make. Think back to when you were 13 years old and liked that girl or boy. You thought about holding their hand, then putting your arm around them, then hugging, then kissing and you can see the physical progression. It is all physically centered and will continue forward until someone puts on the brakes. Our pop culture reinforces this form of love with its music.

The second stage of love we come to is that romantic attraction. This developmental stage of love begins in the late teen years around 18 to 20 years old and becomes the primary reason we choose someone. How they make us feel is paramount and is the driving force for everything we do. This is also psychologically superficial and has a lot to do with ego enhancement. I like how you make me feel about me, you complete me. In this stage love isn’t something you make, but something you fall into.

And because the love is about ego enhancement, the dynamics can be very stormy. He is quiet and she is talkative. At first he likes how she carries the conversation and she like how he is a great listener but over time he thinks she talks too much and she hates how he never opens up. This stage of love can be like the bubble that pops and when it pops it is almost impossible to put back together.

The third stage is Personal qualities and this stage of love emerges in the early twenties when one has seen the shallowness of physical love, and been burned by romantic love and looks for a safe, good person. In this stage Love is not something you make or fall into or out of, but something you find and a big hunt begins.

Where is Love?

In this stage the intellect is in charge and is very picky. And the “right” person is defined in relation to the personal qualities that a person doesn’t have. They don’t smoke, drink, cuss. They don’t embarrass you or leave you hanging. And in this stage you begin to settle for certain things, but love is imperfect because your mate is imperfect and so you begin the process of trying to change your mate. Now of the three stages, this is the best because you are at least using your head, but it is still psychologically superficial because there is a failure to address one’s own issues.

In our culture most people do not marry in stage three or get on to stage four, which I will discuss in a moment. Most people marry in stage 1 or stage 2. Interestingly, almost all divorces occur in stage three. Here’s how this works.

If a couple marries in stage one, physical attraction, it usually takes 3-5 years for that couple to transition into stage three. It is at this point you hear things like, “Yea, they are a nice looking person and the sex is great but I don’t like this and that about them and if they would just change things would get better.”

If a couple marries in stage 2, Romantic attraction, it typically takes 5 to 7 years to transition into stage 3. It is at this point you hear from this couple, “I love them, but I am no longer in love with them.” Or “I love them but not the way that a wife should love a husband or a husband should love a wife.”

At stage 3, personal qualities, couples will do one of several things. Some will gut it out and spend the rest of their married life trying to change their mate. Others will take a more passive path and distract themselves with either work or children. Still, others will say to them self, “I married the wrong one!” and go looking for the right one, usually in stage one or two again.

Of first time marriages, 50 percent succeed, second marriages have a success rate of 35 percent and third marriages have a success rate of 15 percent. I believe the reason for the abysmal statistics is that of where and how couples marry. Couples marry with the most immature view of love and when they don’t develop into true love, they bail out and regress to an earlier stage of love and repeat the cycle.

So what is the answer? The answer is in transitioning into stage four. Stage four involves common values and shared goals. In this stage, love isn’t something you make or fall into; it isn’t something you find. Love is a choice to extend yourself in the best interest of your mate. In this stage both couples realize their love is imperfect but instead of trying to change their mate, they focus on changing themselves.

Growing up I heard my mother say to me, “Mark, there will come a time when you marry, when you will wake up and look at the person lying next to you and you won’t feel in love. And what will keep you there won’t be the feelings but your commitment to love your mate.”

When Robin and I married part of our commitment to each other was, “If we ever wake up and don’t love each other, we commit to love each other.” In our culture, love is more a feeling than a commitment of the will, but love is a choice.

The Scriptures tell us that where you invest is where your heart will be. The same is true with love. What the world calls love is really fondness. Fondness is the result of investing loving actions and thoughts. You can see why couples lose their fondness when they get to stage three because they are focused on the imperfections of their mate. When they began their relationship only positive thoughts and actions were given and on the occasion a mess up occurred, they were given the benefit of the doubt.

Over time, the positive thoughts and actions were replaced with small, annoyances that weren’t addressed, and distracted lives that left little time for connection. Successful couples realize that love is a choice to invest positively in each other and set out to build up a storehouse of positive encounters and memories.

Think about the law of harvest. The law of harvest states, “What you plant is what you reap.” But the law of harvest goes beyond that. We could say, “What you plant is what you reap in multiples.” When you plant one kernel of corn, you reap a whole ear of corn with many kernels. When you plant one bean seed, you get a whole bean plant with many beans. Plants reproduce like kind in multiples.

The same goes for love. Love invested produces love and fondness in multiples. Negativity invested in marriage produces negativity and annoyance in multiples. When I realized this I began to realize the secret to loving Robin and feeling connected. When I feel distant from her I no longer think, “If she would just do ________ then I would love her.” I now know and say to myself, “I really haven’t been investing much positive in my relationship with Robin. If I will do ____________ then I will feel close and reconnected with Robin." Where you invest is where your heart will be.

Invest loving thoughts and action; pull up the weeds of negativity in your marriage. Sit together and begin to dream together and define your common goals. This will fuel the fire of your love and will result in deep fondness. There is nothing magical about love, it is a choice to invest in the best interest of your mate.

So here are the three commitments of successful couples: righteousness, truth and love.

How can you begin to practice these commitments in your marriage? First of all, I want to challenge you to take some time alone and take your own inventory. Ask yourself the following questions: Are there any actions or attitudes that are un-loving that I am participating in and am blaming on my spouse? Am I focusing too much on my spouse and reacting to their actions and attitudes rather than being the person I want to be?

Take some time to pray to God and ask Him to show you your growth areas and areas of improvement.

Secondly, evaluate how honest you have been in the marriage. Are you honest with yourself? Are you honest with your spouse? Are you practicing honesty in all areas of your life? If you are dishonest at work it won’t be long before you will be dishonest at home and vice versa. Are there any nagging hurts you have buried because you have said to yourself, they just won’t understand or change? If so write those down and look for a time to bring those up. You cannot afford to bury those hurts. Remember, if you are on the receiving end of some of these complaints, they are the cheat sheets to your spouse’s heart.

Thirdly, make a list of all things you love about your spouse. It is a loving thing to dwell on their positives. Next, come up with a list of things you could do to show your mate you love them. Think back over the years together and try to remember the things they have responded best to you. If you think back on a very positive time in your relationship and realize the two of you were going on dates frequently. Plan a date! Get that baby sitter and go!

Together you need to discuss ways that you feel loved and what behaviors fill your love tank. When you are equipped with ideas to express your love, you will be far more effective in your commitment to love each other.

As always, if you find that you need some help in working on these issues call me at 601-924-3311 or email me.