Creating a Real Soul Connection (Part 1)

How do you explain humans? There have been many attempts to explain humans and I guess the definition that I like the best is one that I have come up with in the context of connection with my life group that I get to meet with most Thursdays. My life group is made up of several guys, some pastors, some theologians, some business guys, but all real, down-to-earth fellows who are interested in one thing. We are in the hunt for life and living it abundantly.

We laugh together, cry together, pray together, and argue with each other and we wrestle over spiritual matters together. We share life and I’m not sure where I would be without these guys. The book of proverbs tells us, as iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens the other. This is what happens on Thursdays.

So back to the definition, I define humans as “living embodied souls in relationship.” Let me break that down. We are living. There was a time when we weren’t but now we are alive and we are living souls with a body. There will come a time when our bodies will die but we will continue to exist, as souls (with new bodies). This soul that we now have is in relationship. In relationship to God and to others and will continue to exist, for all eternity in relationship, hopefully in a right relationship of love and not one of rebellion. But that is another blog for another time.

The point I am trying to make is that the true essence of who we are is a living soul, and that living soul is in relationship, and is effected by relationship and will effect relationships. But right now, as living souls we are embodied and what goes on in the deepest part of who we are will take on physical or bodily form and impact a relationship.

Now I know that may sound convoluted and before you leave this blog, let me give you an example. At the heart of everyone is the desire to know, in the depths of the soul, that they are beloved. If a person knows, in the depth of their soul they are beloved, then that knowledge will work its way out into relationship. Or to put it another way, it will take on physical expression.

If I know I am beloved, and what I mean by that is, I am special, significant, deeply cherished, valued, etc. then what begin to flow out of my soul are peace, joy, hope, love, patience, assurance, confidence, fullness, as well as other things. I won’t have to think about it, it will just begin to bubble up and flow out and that is going to affect the way I relate. It will take on physical form. I may stop to help someone stranded; I may put my work down and actually focus on you awhile. I may not blow up at the first instance of things not going my way; I may actually be patient.

But if on the other hand, I am working out of a soul that believes at the deepest parts that I am not beloved; then I will begin to have other things bubble up and spill over into the lives of those I’m in relationship with. There will now be anger, resentment, bitterness, emptiness, fear, insecurity, depression, anxiety, angst, impatience and other things. This doesn’t stop on the feelings level; it gets fleshed out and takes on relational expression as well.

You can picture a person like that in a relationship, self-absorbed and angry. I think it would be safe to say that the person or persons in this one’s life would be walking on eggshells.

So let’s recap. We are living, embodied souls in relationship. We work from the inside out. What goes on in the deepest parts of our knowing, our souls, determine what we feel and how we behave. Some of the social scientists would have us believe that what is of the greatest need in creating great relationships is a behavioral change so we will go about working on skills training.

What being a therapist for over a fifteen years has taught me is that you can teach all the skills in the world and if there is not peace in the soul, there is not going to be a strong and satisfying relationship with anybody.

When most people present for couples therapy or for any therapy for that matter, they are doing so because they have looked at their lifestyle and have determined that the way they are living is no longer acceptable. But what do you do about it? Well, for starters, you must begin to peel back the layers to get at the root for there to ever be any lasting change.

Underneath lifestyle is another layer; I call it the “Results” layer. As a matter of fact, a lifestyle is nothing more than a compilation of a lot results. So in order to create a lasting change you must ask, how do I get different results? Well, results are created by “Actions”. I get it. I need to change my actions. And that is what most people do; they set out to change their actions by trying harder.

Do you want a good picture of what trying harder will get you? Watch the fly on the window pane. It is trying to break through the glass and get to freedom. It can see what it wants, it is right there in front of it, and it thinks if it can just try harder it can break through to freedom. The next day, you go to the window to check on the progress of that housefly and you find it dead on the window sill feet sticking up in the air dead from trying harder.

Many people feel like that fly. They want change in their relationship, they can see it right in front of them, but try as they might, they just can’t break through to that new way of relating and creating a soul relationship. You may experience temporary gains in your relationship but they are short lived and frustrating at best.

What do you do? You think and think and then one night as you are up late after a fight with your spouse you are flipping the channels and see this guy or gal on an infomercial telling you they can motivate you to change. That’s what I need, an attitude change, motivation.

So we move from Lifestyle, to Results, from Results to Actions and now from Actions to Attitude. If I can be more positive and get motivated, I can be a better spouse and get the love I want. I’ve heard it said that when you motivate an idiot, all you get is a motivated idiot. Motivation and attitude are important and are getting closer to the solution but changing your attitude is not the solution nor is it long lived. We have all tried to be more positive and loving in our marriage only to find something come along and knock the wind out of our sails.

Changing an attitude is one thing, maintaining that attitude is another. There has to be more if we are going to create lasting change, and there is. There is one more layer we must get to if we ever want to experience lasting change and that is our “Beliefs” layer. What we believe, our philosophy, our deepest knowing is the fountain out of which it all flows.

If down deep we see things in a new light, that will change our attitude, if our attitude is changed, then new actions will follow, if new actions follow, then new, positive results will come about and your marital lifestyle will change.

What changes in your beliefs need to occur? What do you need to know down deep in your soul to experience a life change? Pray about it. Think about it. I'll blog more on that tomorrow.