In order to understand a commitment, let me remind you of a common childhood practice. You and a friend are at a pool and decide that you want to jump in the water, but there is something about doing that alone that has made you hesitant. You strike a deal with your friend and decide to run together and jump in the water together. On the count of three the two of you will run and jump in together. One, two, three… and off you go. Then suddenly, both of you stop at the edge of the pool. You look at each other and say, “Why didn’t you jump?” only to hear your friend say, “Well, you didn’t jump either!”
Commitments are not like that example. Commitments are not valid only if both follow through. Commitments are the decisions to jump in the water whether or not the other jumps in and joins you.
A contract is dissolved if one or both parties don’t follow through with their obligation, but in marriage there are no contracts. Marriage is a covenant. A covenant is a commitment of the will that states “I will go forward whether you join me or not.” So as we examine the commitments of successful marriages, know that the really successful couples don’t say, “I will if you will!” but “I will regardless of what you do.”
With that in mind the first commitment of successful couples is a commitment to righteousness. What is a commitment to righteousness? It is a decision to walk in a way that is right before God whether anyone follows them or not. It is rejecting the declaration of Adam in the Garden of Eden of “the woman made me do it!”
When a person is commited to righteousness they are deciding to walk in a way that has an internal drive versus an external drive that reacts to circumstances.
When my twin daughters were just old enough to attend church for the first time, my wife and I prepared them to head off to church. Having twins, it is imperative to follow a pretty strict schedule of feeding otherwise you will be feeding all the time and lose your sanity. So just before we left, we fed our daughters and purposely did not pack their bottles because we knew that nursery workers would be quick to plug their mouth with a bottle at the first whimper and throw off our whole schedule. We had calculated that we would be at church for a total of three hours and we would feed them as soon as we returned home.
Sunday school and church went well and we were anxious to get our daughters home and feed them. But when we arrived at the nursery two things occurred that set my wife off. First, Anna and Kate had the customary masking tape on the back of their dress where their name was to be written, instead they had twin 1 and twin 2 printed on the tape, my wife was not happy, they were not numbers but persons. Secondly, when the lady handed twin one and twin two to us she looked at Robin as if to say, you neglectful mother, and said, “They are hungry you know.”
Now being a man, I thought, “yes they are and we are three minutes from home and will remedy that quickly.” Robin, however, heard condemnation and as soon as we got in the car she began to vent her frustration. I didn’t want to hear it. For some crazy male reason, I took her frustration personally and just gripped the steering wheel tighter and thought, “Thank the good Lord I am only three minutes from home.” But when we got home, she didn’t let up. She followed me to the bedroom where I was trying to get out of my Sunday best and continued to vent.
As I stood at the door to my closet pulling off my tie, I turned and with very harsh words lopped her head off. It worked! She got very quiet, but as I turned to hang up my tie, the Lord said to me, “Mark you were wrong. Yelling at her was not right.”
Everything inside of me wanted to say, “but...but... she was getting on my nerves.” BUT that didn’t matter, regardless of how she was acting, right or wrong, my actions were wrong. I stopped turned to her and said, “Robin, I just yelled at you. That was very wrong and unloving, please forgive me.”
I didn’t go into what she had done to contribute to the event. That was irrelevant and would have had me trying to remove a speck of dust from her eye while I had a 2x4 protruding from my own. I was determined to take responsibility for my actions, not take her inventory.
A few minutes later, Robin came to me and said, “Mark, I was so frustrated and hurt by what happened back there at the church that I was just beside myself. I took it out on you instead of taking it out with you. I was wrong, please forgive me.”
We were able to have a great afternoon together and get over that bump in the road.
When two people are quick to acknowledge their fault in a situation, without blaming their actions on another, they are going to have a healthier marriage.
I’m tired of being the first to say, “I’m sorry.”
I have heard this statement many times as a therapist and I think it is important to understand why being the first to say, “I’m sorry” can be very disturbing for many couples.
Couples who are committed to righteousness or shall we say “Right-ness” are eager to be the first to say “I apologize.” They will try to beat the other to the punch.
For many people, saying “I’m sorry” isn’t about acknowledging fault or taking responsibility for one’s actions. It is about trying to change the other’s feelings and attitude. “I’m sorry” is meant to say, get over it, move on, and let it go. This rarely is effective. Over time, you grow bitter because you are doing something to change another and not speaking the truth. You may be taking responsibility for something you don’t believe that you have done wrong just to “make it better.”
Being committed to “Right-ness” rules out the use of quick “I’m sorries” because your focus is not on changing your spouse but on changing yourself. I really don’t like the words “I’m sorry.” Why? Not because “Love is never having to say you’re sorry” but I don’t like the idea that taking on an attitude of groveling and poor mouthing yourself will restore a relationship to fellowship. Too many times, a quick “I’m sorry” doesn’t allow proper self-inspection.
When you take the time to say "I apologize for…" and fill in the blank with the actions you see as contributing to the problem, you are owning your behavior and looking to change yourself. There may be times when you don’t think you have done something wrong. It is at that time you need to say, “At this point I don’t see what I have done wrong but will think about it and let you know.”
The person committed to Right-ness will often pray the pray the words of Psalm 139:23 and 24, “Search me, O God, and know my heart; try me and know my anxious thoughts; and see if there be any hurtful way in me, and lead me in the everlasting way.” They realize they are capable of messing up and doing hurtful things so they are open to acknowledging their faults and working to change them.
You will be amazed how much more joy will come to your own life and to your marriage when you are quick to be humble and work on yourself and become determined to do what is right before God.
When your spouse is struggling to jump in the pool, sometimes your swimming around in the pool of doing what is right will give them the courage to join you.
What is the down side of doing what is right, regardless of what your spouse does? There is no downside! You are acting in a way that will bless your marriage and will give you self-respect.
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