For over fifteen years I have worked with couples as a Marriage and Family Therapist and have been able to see up close and in a very personal way, how these marriages work. I have observed those couples that can’t seem to get it together and those that really soar.
This blog is for you, the married couple, to gain insight into the lives of the successful marriages. I have observed and talked with many couples that have a marriage that ranks right up there with the best, and it seems to me that there are three things that separate them from the so-so marriages and the disastrous marriages.
These three things really are three commitments. I say commitments because they are personal decisions by the individual marriage partners that determine how they are going to act in any certain situation. Now I have never met a couple or individual for that matter, that lives out these three commitments perfectly, but the really great marriages have two persons that are determined to do their very best to live in a way that is faithful to these commitments.
What are these three commitments, well, we will cover them in short order, but first lets look at what the unsuccessful couples do that ensure they will be dissatisfied in marriage.
Dr. John Gottman of the University of Washington and the Seattle Marital and Family Institute has made a tremendous contribution to the field of marriage and family therapy provided by his years of research in marital relations.
At his Institute he has studied over 650 couples, tracking them for over fourteen years. He has observed their communication patterns and even gone as far as monitoring blood pressure, pulse rate, white blood count and other scientific data. In three different studies he has been able to predict at a 91-percent accuracy those couples that will divorce just by observing their interactions and information for 5 minutes.
Amazing research, indeed, and he lists in his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, the six warning signals that will lead to divorce. What are those Warning signs?
The first sign is a harsh start-up in discussions. Couples who regularly start off their arguments harshly are dooming their interactions to failure. As a matter of fact, 96 percent of the time you can predict the outcome of a conversation by the first three minutes of a 15-minute conversation. The scripture says that a soft answer turns away wrath but grievous words stir up anger. If your conversations start off harshly, stop, take a breather and come back after the two of you have had the chance to cool down.
The second sign is the presence of what Gottman calls the “Four Horsemen of the marital apocalypse.” They are number one – Criticism. Now every one has their complaints in a marriage but when the discussion moves from attacking the problem to attacking the person, you have crossed over into a destructive behavior.
The second horseman is contempt. Sarcasm and cynicism are types of contempt, as well as, name-calling, eye rolling, mockery and hostile humor. This is the most destructive of all the horsemen because it sends a powerful message of, “You disgust me!” Disgust or contempt doesn’t help solve a problem and lead on to reconciliation, but rather leads to greater conflict. Couples don’t move forward when they believe their partner doesn’t like them.
Think of contempt as a pair of glasses with very dark lenses. These shade everything you see and darken your perspective. These lenses must be changed if there is going to be any headway in a marriage.
The third horseman is defensiveness. This horseman usually accompanies criticism and contempt and it always escalates the tension. There is something in us all that wants to be right and good and defensiveness plays right into that desire. The beatitudes leads off with the statement, “Blessed are the poor in spirit, for they shall inherit the kingdom of God.” It seems that the entrance to real life is through the acknowledgement of our inability to do right at times, our coming to the place of accepting our bankruptcy before God and others.
Defensiveness asserts one’s innocence and projects the guilt back on the accuser. As I often say concerning communication, to understand where someone is coming from doesn’t mean that you agree with him or her. Listen carefully to what the other is saying, even if it is seasoned with criticism or contempt, and listen for the heart.
The fourth horseman is stonewalling. This usually occurs later on in a marriage when the three preceding horseman have had there chance to gallop through the marriage, but it is still destructive. It is very much what it sounds like. A person gets tired of the criticism, contempt and defensiveness and builds a wall around their heart so as to protect it. It comes across though as indifference. Whatever, I don’t care, yeah, yeah, or cold silence.
The third warning sign of approaching marital difficulty is flooding. Usually people stonewall when they feel flooded. Flooding means that your spouse’s criticism or contempt or even defensiveness, in other words – negativity – is so overwhelming that you feel you have stepped on a landmine. The driving goal at this point is to avoid what feels like a sniper attack and one begins to isolate and withdraw.
Habitual harsh startups, frequent flooding brought on by criticism, contempt and defensiveness are usually present in unhappy marriages.
The fourth warning sign is body language. Does your body experience distress when relating to your spouse? A typical heart rate for a man, 30 years old is 76 beats per minute and 82 for a woman the same age. When distress is experienced in an argument the heart rate can shoot as high as 165 beats per minute. When ongoing physical distress is part of a marriage it is a warning sign.
Men and women will experience this physical distress differently. As indicated by the increased heart rate, men are more easily overwhelmed by marital conflict than their wives. Just because your marriage may follow some of these patterns does not mean you will end in divorce but it does indicate that you need to learn new ways to relate.
The fifth sign is failed repair attempts. Almost all couples argue, some more than others. And almost all couples present what is called repair attempts. Repair attempts are white flags or yellow caution lights that are intended to bring the argument down a notch. This may take on the form of a joke, a knowing look or an “I’m sorry”. Healthy couples see these repair attempts and bring the conflict down to a manageable state but unhealthy couples speed right through the repair attempt and escalate the conflict.
Instead of looking to repair and reconnect as a couple, the couple in danger of divorce only wants a fight. This bid for reconciliation is unheeded and much hurt and destruction is perpetrated and perpetuated.
Finally, the sixth warning signal of a possible divorce is bad memories. When a couple is in danger, it is not just their present and future that are at risk, their past is in danger, too. Couples in marital trouble will begin to rewrite relationship history with negative slants. When asked how things were in the past, these couples find it difficult to remember anything positive or the past positives are quickly minimized by reports of enormous wrongs. These negative scripts become the dark lenses through which all things are filtered and there becomes little hope of building positive encounters.
According to Gottman, there are four final stages that signal the death knell of a relationship.
- You see your marital problems as severe.
- Talking things over seems useless. You try to solve problems on your own.
- You start leading parallel lives.
- Loneliness sets in.
It is at this time that many couples have waited almost too late to repair the marriage. I say almost, because there is always a chance to repair a marriage if two people are willing to do what it takes to rebuild. What is needed? Tomorrow we will begin our exploration of the three commitments of successful couples.
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