Husbands Love Your Wives...

What does it mean for husbands to love their wives as Christ loves the church? Just what does it mean for a man to live out the calling of Ephesians 5? I think this is an important question. Over the years I have had the opportunity to ask many men what it means to love their wife as Christ loves the church and almost without fail I hear an answer that sounds like this. “Well, I’m supposed to be willing to lay down my life for my wife.”

Now that is a high and noble calling, but I have to ask, how often is a guy called on to lay down his life for his wife? How many times a day is he really confronted with the need to take a bullet for her? As a husband I am quick to pledge my willingness to die for my wife, but realistically, I, and most husbands, will throughout our whole life never have to prove our pledge of protection.

But when it comes to the wife’s call, to submit to her husband in a way like unto the church submitting to Christ, that appears to be a daily call. The call seems to be much taller and greater than a chance meeting with a thug in an alley. But are we thinking properly about what it means to love a wife as Christ does the church? Maybe we are missing the forest for the trees.

I realize that a significant aspect of Christ’s love was his sacrificial death for us on the cross, once for all. But let me challenge you with another thought. While Jesus did lay down his life for us, what is his relationship with the church today and every day? His love for the church is one of a shared life.

Let me remind you of a passage. Do you remember the wedding feast of Canaan? Jesus was attending a wedding and to Mary’s apparent frustration, the wedding feast is caught in a potential disaster. They have run out of wine! There were no corner package stores to run to and pick up a case of Dom Perignon and save the day. They were stuck! And yet Mary knew to turn to Jesus. “Jesus, do something about this!”

I love the response Jesus gave Mary, “Is that any of our business, Mother – yours or mine? This isn’t my time. Don’t push me.” In other words, “I will serve no wine before my time.” But like only a mother can do, she went into action and told the servants to do whatever Jesus instructed them to do.

Nearby there were six stone water pots that held twenty to thirty gallons each and Jesus ordered the servants to fill the pots with water. They did just that, right up to the brim. Now think about it. There were no water hoses, no running water, just wells and hot, Mediterranean heat. This was no easy task and you only imagine what they were thinking, “We are out of wine, not water! Has this Jesus lost his mind?”

But being servants, they did as they were told and having completed the task was told by Jesus to fill up their pitchers and take it to the host of the wedding. Now the host didn’t know what had happened and was blown away by the great wine, but the scriptures say the servants knew good and well what he tasted. He tasted miracle wine and they had shared in the miracle.

Can’t you hear the discussion in the household of the servants that evening after work? “You’ll never guess what I got to participate in today! I got to participate in Jesus’ miracle! He shared his glory with me!” I suspect they told that story all the days of their lives.

So what is the point? I think the point is Jesus is so secure in himself that instead of drawing all the attention to himself, he shares his life with others and allows them to have the joy of sharing in what he is doing. Every day Jesus calls his church to share in His life and labor. Isn’t that the true way God loves us. He shares his life with us. The point of God’s love was not to die for us but to secure a place in his life in order to share it with us even if it killed him. And it did.

One of the hardest things for me to do as a husband is share my life with Robin. I want to hoard my life and keep control of it. The struggle to let go and open up is tremendous and it is for most husbands if they are honest. Why is that? Well there are many reasons but probably primarily the fear of having to face one’s inadequacies. What if I open up and you disagree? I will have to be open to other perspectives, receptive and actually give you my life. What will you do with my life? Will you dominate me, control me, or reject me?

A husband’s laying down his life involves opening it up to be shared. And ladies you know that one of the things you desire most in your marriage is to be a partner. To be included and shared with. This is a real struggle; a struggle to share on the husband’s part and a struggle to be a part on the wife’s part.

Headship and submission have gotten a bad wrap for many reasons, not the least that these two things have been abused. In trying to live out faithfully to the call of a Christian home, men have pulled rank and tried to keep control by running the show. And ladies having been controlled for too long have bucked under the heavy thumb of autocratic leadership.

But let’s look again at the lens through which we are to understand this giving. It is the lens of the Father, Son and Spirit. Jesus says that the man is the head of the woman as the Father is the head of Christ. What an interesting perspective! If headship and love is given to us in the context of the Triune relationship then we must ask some important questions.

Are the Father and Son equal? The answer is yes! Does the Father rule over the Son? The answer is no! The Father rules with the Son. As a matter of fact, we read that the Father has given all judgment over to the Son and the Son doesn’t do anything that he hasn’t seen the Father do. The quality of relationship of the Father, Son and Spirit is not of structure and chain of command but one of shared life. The book of Colossians tells us that the Father created all things in and through and by and to the Son in the power of the Spirit. What a shared life! The Father didn’t create the universe behind the back of Jesus and tell him he was on a need to know basis. Absolutely not! The Father planned and implemented all of creation with and through and by and for the Son in the Spirit.

If we see anything about God, He is very comfortable sharing life. God can’t think of doing something alone. Not because of insecurity and he needs someone to hold his hand, but because he knows that it is better to give than receive!

Men, we need to so find ourselves in the shared life of the Father, Son and Spirit that with confidence and boldness we are set free to open our lives up to our wives and their participation. When we do not do that it is the result of insecurity.

Now wives I would like to speak directly to you. One of the reasons your husband is afraid to open his life up to you is because he fears you freaking out. Many of you are not ready to share a man’s life. Why do I say that? I have seen it all too often. When he opens up the struggles and trials you get scared and your security needs are threatened and in your anxiety you try to control.

Now I’m not saying that women are controlling any more than men. We are all controllers when we get anxious. But think of this; when Jesus calls us into his life, do you know what he tells us to expect? Suffering, trials and persecution are the experiences we are told to be prepared for. We all know that there are those that want to share in the blessings of the Lord but not his crucifixion. Fair weathered friends of Christ. But Paul says that he wants to share in the fellowship of Christ’s suffering.

I know many women want to know what their husbands are struggling with, but just as you are asking for some interesting time if you ask to share in Christ’s life, including suffering, you are also asking for some interesting times if you really want to share in your husband’s life. Every man’s inner life is to some degree tortured and full of suffering. That is the curse of the fall. “By the sweat of your brow you will toil.”

If your husband begins to share his life for you and the inner battle that he is waging, he needs to know you are not going to freak out and leave the battle field, rejecting him, condemn him.

What does it mean to love your wife as Christ loves the church? It means to open yourself up to her and give, share your life with her. Share in her life as well. It is to let your dreams and her dreams to become one and the two of you, Lover and Beloved in Love form a living expression of the trinity as you share in the life of the true Lover, Beloved and Love – the Father, Son and Spirit in the life they are sharing with us.

What does it mean to submit to your husband? It means to give yourself to his shared life and bring all your thoughts, and dreams and wisdom and discernment and strength to his life and be a partner, a co-laborer with him in the good times and trials of life. Submission is not being a doormat! It is like Christ, who in his strength and power submitted to the Father’s will and brought all of His fullness to the Father in love and offered it as a living and dying sacrifice to the One he knew loved and shared with him fully.

I challenge you to struggle with these words and experience the life-changing power of a shared life!