The Three Commitments of Successful Couples (Part 3)

The second commitment of successful couples is the commitment to Truth.

Marriages can be severely damaged by dishonesty. Usually when I mention the issue of dishonesty, people run in their mind to infidelity. Infidelity, of course, involves dishonesty but a more subtle form of dishonesty destroys more marriages.

In the Song of Solomon, the writer says, “Catch for me the little foxes, the little foxes that spoil our vineyard, our vineyard that is in full bloom.” What are the little foxes that do so much damage?

“What’s wrong?"

"Nothing!”

Harboring the little things in one’s heart and going forward as if nothing is wrong is a form of dishonesty and is very destructive. I have seen many marriages damaged by the ongoing harboring of hurts and not airing out the differences.

Successful marriages have two people committed to being honest in everything. Now that doesn’t mean that couples say everything that comes to their mind. Sometimes selfish, immature things pop up in the mind and are better left unsaid. But it is those hurts and nagging frustrations that need to be discussed in order for there to be a great marriage. The Scriptures admonish us to speak the truth in love and successful couples manage to be transparent in a loving way.

Another way of looking at honesty is by considering it as intimacy. The best definition for intimacy is “into-me-see”. When you pull back the curtains to your soul and give your spouse the opportunity to know you, you are deepening your relationship.

“But Mark, you don’t understand. My spouse will not understand or respond to honesty. I don’t want my wife to know all that, they may get stressed or upset.” Intimacy or honesty isn’t always pain-free. It can be very painful.

When I lost my left hand at 9 years old, the doctor was trying to spare me pain by not opening up the wound and airing it out. When the buried dirt was covered and denied oxygen, gangrene began to spread and cost me my left hand and almost my life. When dirt is buried in the marriage it causes marital gangrene and may just lead to a marital amputation.

What might this honesty look like? One day I was working with a couple in my office and noticed the wife stroking her husband’s arm tenderly as they talked. What happened to me was the weirdest thing, my heart began to race and I wanted to throw the husband out of the room and let his wife pat me on my arm. Now, let me say here, it was not anything personally about that lady; it just connected with something that I was evidently missing at the moment. Later, upon reflection, I realized that Robin and I had been distant because of some life stresses and I had buried some feelings of loneliness and not discussed with Robin how I was feeling. I had pushed it down by saying to myself, “Oh she is busy and I don’t want to upset her by bringing up my needs.”

I knew then I couldn’t let it go. I went home and told Robin about my experience in the therapy room. She took it very well and understood that I didn’t want this other person but that it was touching on some need in our relationship. She was able to share with me some of her present needs and was able to hear mine and the two of us were able to reconnect.

Now imagine what could have happened if I had not been honest with myself or with Robin. I could have buried that loneliness and been a sitting duck if someone had come along and began to flirtatiously touch me. Dishonesty in the small matters compound to greater dishonesty and that is how affairs are created. Catch the little foxes.

When your spouse is honest with you, especially when the honesty hurts, don’t overreact. Getting mad and worked up only works to shut down future moments of “Into-me-see”. If you are hurt, acknowledge that and also thank them for being upfront and having the courage to share painful information. Most couples do not set out to hurt their mate, but intimacy can at times be painful. But by iron sharpening iron the two of you will strengthen each other.

You need to know that affairs begin with the thought, “I just can’t share these feelings with my spouse.” And usually life provides a temptation to open up with another. This is disastrous and a commitment to being honest can divert a lot of trouble.

Do you have any buried hurts or concerns you have not discussed? If so, don’t let the sun go down before you have begun to address them. That doesn’t mean you have to resolve them by sun rise, but you need to commit to stopping the cycle of drawing the curtains to your soul. Be honest.

More tomorrow!