Blow by Blow

As a child I learned the following scripture verse from Luke 2:52:

And Jesus grew in wisdom and stature, and in favor with God and men.

It seemed the perfect verse for a child to learn that helped me see that Jesus, like me, grew up, too.

Somehow my idea of Jesus growing up always left me with a vision of Jesus primarily floating through the life stages, sans pimples and temptations of lust, and the whole ordeal for him being a passive experience. I guess my mental images were formed by the emphasis of Christ's incarnation being so heavily focused on his SINLESS humanity.

Don't get me wrong, I believe Jesus lived a sinless life. My difficulty rested in the lack of discussion of His HUMANITY. Christ becoming flesh seemed to be played off as a "Cocoon-like experience" where he was robed in skin but if you tugged on his eyelid beams of light would shoot out.

Humanity and growing was a formality not a hard-pressed reality. Appearing to be human and being human are two different things and it wasn't until I got a closer look at Luke 2:52 that I appreciated Christ's enfleshment.

The word "grew" in verse 52 is not by any stretch a passive endeavor. The Greek word means "to beat forward - to lengthen out by hammering (as a smith forges metals)".

Do you see it?

Blow by blow Jesus forged a life of love and obedience to the Father inside a broken, twisted frame of human existence. With every urge and temptation to say "NO!" He said "Yes!" to His Father and walked in step with the Spirit's leading. All the warped experiences of human angst, at every developmental stage, he took and blow by blow beat forward a faithful response to the Father.

What does that mean?

Jesus has felt what you feel at every level and most likely to a deeper level AND was able to find the Father in it and through it. His SINLESS HUMANITY wasn't a cake walk but a hammering out faithful Sonship within the fallen, buckled heap of flesh. He was (and is) faithful completely and like a blacksmith who plunges his steel into the water, He plunged His (your) hammered out, faithful life into the hissing bucket of death and solidified permanently His stroke of gracious genius - your salvation!

The book of Hebrews says that we have a High Priest who is able to sympathize with us and deal gently with us because he has been through what we are going through. In your struggles, know that Jesus is not far off but has entered into your struggle and has forged a way through in Himself. Trust in this one with all your heart, and don't lean on what you understand, keep focused on His life for you and you will experience his sustaining hand along all paths.

Left-Handed Power

I was reading a while back in Robert Farrar Capon's Book on parables about the difference between right-handed power and left-handed power.

Right-handed power is the way the world uses power. Win through intimidation - might makes right - management techniques of Attila the Hun. This power is effective and so easily picked up. It is the road that people continued to push Jesus toward and is the path that he so thoroughly resisted.

Left-handed power is the power of the person and is a dismissed by the world. Live by dying - lead by serving - win by losing. Nonsense! Ridiculous! How can it make any sense to let so much potential go to waste!

"Jesus, you can turn every last stone to bread and feed the world. Your reign will go down in the books as the most humanitarian in history."

"What power you have, Jesus. Look as far as you can in any direction and with what you have we can rule the world!"

"Amazing! Jesus, you have to show them what's in your bag of tricks. With your spectacular moves and our marketing strategies, all people everywhere will see and believe."

Left-handed power is so counter-intuitive and so embarrassingly unsophisticated and yet the humble God of the Universe considered equality with God not something to be held tightly to, humbled himself and became a servant. I don't get it!

All that to say, I began to pray about this and asked God if he would show me how to live a life of left-handed power. The irony was too hilarious! I started to laugh - I'm praying for left-handed power and I don't even have a left hand, God!

"Exactly!" I heard God whisper. "Your weakness is my strength. The things that are not is what I use. Your brokenness is the instrument I use to heal."

I look down to the left side of my body and see nothing there; however, whenever I'm in public the empty place at the end of my arm is all that most people stare at.

What a paradox - what is not there gets the most stares. What is my loss has become my greatest gain. My weakest place is God's most powerful instrument.

Left-handed power - you amaze me God!

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Husbands Love Your Wives...

What does it mean for husbands to love their wives as Christ loves the church? Just what does it mean for a man to live out the calling of Ephesians 5? I think this is an important question. Over the years I have had the opportunity to ask many men what it means to love their wife as Christ loves the church and almost without fail I hear an answer that sounds like this. “Well, I’m supposed to be willing to lay down my life for my wife.”

Now that is a high and noble calling, but I have to ask, how often is a guy called on to lay down his life for his wife? How many times a day is he really confronted with the need to take a bullet for her? As a husband I am quick to pledge my willingness to die for my wife, but realistically, I, and most husbands, will throughout our whole life never have to prove our pledge of protection.

But when it comes to the wife’s call, to submit to her husband in a way like unto the church submitting to Christ, that appears to be a daily call. The call seems to be much taller and greater than a chance meeting with a thug in an alley. But are we thinking properly about what it means to love a wife as Christ does the church? Maybe we are missing the forest for the trees.

I realize that a significant aspect of Christ’s love was his sacrificial death for us on the cross, once for all. But let me challenge you with another thought. While Jesus did lay down his life for us, what is his relationship with the church today and every day? His love for the church is one of a shared life.

Let me remind you of a passage. Do you remember the wedding feast of Canaan? Jesus was attending a wedding and to Mary’s apparent frustration, the wedding feast is caught in a potential disaster. They have run out of wine! There were no corner package stores to run to and pick up a case of Dom Perignon and save the day. They were stuck! And yet Mary knew to turn to Jesus. “Jesus, do something about this!”

I love the response Jesus gave Mary, “Is that any of our business, Mother – yours or mine? This isn’t my time. Don’t push me.” In other words, “I will serve no wine before my time.” But like only a mother can do, she went into action and told the servants to do whatever Jesus instructed them to do.

Nearby there were six stone water pots that held twenty to thirty gallons each and Jesus ordered the servants to fill the pots with water. They did just that, right up to the brim. Now think about it. There were no water hoses, no running water, just wells and hot, Mediterranean heat. This was no easy task and you only imagine what they were thinking, “We are out of wine, not water! Has this Jesus lost his mind?”

But being servants, they did as they were told and having completed the task was told by Jesus to fill up their pitchers and take it to the host of the wedding. Now the host didn’t know what had happened and was blown away by the great wine, but the scriptures say the servants knew good and well what he tasted. He tasted miracle wine and they had shared in the miracle.

Can’t you hear the discussion in the household of the servants that evening after work? “You’ll never guess what I got to participate in today! I got to participate in Jesus’ miracle! He shared his glory with me!” I suspect they told that story all the days of their lives.

So what is the point? I think the point is Jesus is so secure in himself that instead of drawing all the attention to himself, he shares his life with others and allows them to have the joy of sharing in what he is doing. Every day Jesus calls his church to share in His life and labor. Isn’t that the true way God loves us. He shares his life with us. The point of God’s love was not to die for us but to secure a place in his life in order to share it with us even if it killed him. And it did.

One of the hardest things for me to do as a husband is share my life with Robin. I want to hoard my life and keep control of it. The struggle to let go and open up is tremendous and it is for most husbands if they are honest. Why is that? Well there are many reasons but probably primarily the fear of having to face one’s inadequacies. What if I open up and you disagree? I will have to be open to other perspectives, receptive and actually give you my life. What will you do with my life? Will you dominate me, control me, or reject me?

A husband’s laying down his life involves opening it up to be shared. And ladies you know that one of the things you desire most in your marriage is to be a partner. To be included and shared with. This is a real struggle; a struggle to share on the husband’s part and a struggle to be a part on the wife’s part.

Headship and submission have gotten a bad wrap for many reasons, not the least that these two things have been abused. In trying to live out faithfully to the call of a Christian home, men have pulled rank and tried to keep control by running the show. And ladies having been controlled for too long have bucked under the heavy thumb of autocratic leadership.

But let’s look again at the lens through which we are to understand this giving. It is the lens of the Father, Son and Spirit. Jesus says that the man is the head of the woman as the Father is the head of Christ. What an interesting perspective! If headship and love is given to us in the context of the Triune relationship then we must ask some important questions.

Are the Father and Son equal? The answer is yes! Does the Father rule over the Son? The answer is no! The Father rules with the Son. As a matter of fact, we read that the Father has given all judgment over to the Son and the Son doesn’t do anything that he hasn’t seen the Father do. The quality of relationship of the Father, Son and Spirit is not of structure and chain of command but one of shared life. The book of Colossians tells us that the Father created all things in and through and by and to the Son in the power of the Spirit. What a shared life! The Father didn’t create the universe behind the back of Jesus and tell him he was on a need to know basis. Absolutely not! The Father planned and implemented all of creation with and through and by and for the Son in the Spirit.

If we see anything about God, He is very comfortable sharing life. God can’t think of doing something alone. Not because of insecurity and he needs someone to hold his hand, but because he knows that it is better to give than receive!

Men, we need to so find ourselves in the shared life of the Father, Son and Spirit that with confidence and boldness we are set free to open our lives up to our wives and their participation. When we do not do that it is the result of insecurity.

Now wives I would like to speak directly to you. One of the reasons your husband is afraid to open his life up to you is because he fears you freaking out. Many of you are not ready to share a man’s life. Why do I say that? I have seen it all too often. When he opens up the struggles and trials you get scared and your security needs are threatened and in your anxiety you try to control.

Now I’m not saying that women are controlling any more than men. We are all controllers when we get anxious. But think of this; when Jesus calls us into his life, do you know what he tells us to expect? Suffering, trials and persecution are the experiences we are told to be prepared for. We all know that there are those that want to share in the blessings of the Lord but not his crucifixion. Fair weathered friends of Christ. But Paul says that he wants to share in the fellowship of Christ’s suffering.

I know many women want to know what their husbands are struggling with, but just as you are asking for some interesting time if you ask to share in Christ’s life, including suffering, you are also asking for some interesting times if you really want to share in your husband’s life. Every man’s inner life is to some degree tortured and full of suffering. That is the curse of the fall. “By the sweat of your brow you will toil.”

If your husband begins to share his life for you and the inner battle that he is waging, he needs to know you are not going to freak out and leave the battle field, rejecting him, condemn him.

What does it mean to love your wife as Christ loves the church? It means to open yourself up to her and give, share your life with her. Share in her life as well. It is to let your dreams and her dreams to become one and the two of you, Lover and Beloved in Love form a living expression of the trinity as you share in the life of the true Lover, Beloved and Love – the Father, Son and Spirit in the life they are sharing with us.

What does it mean to submit to your husband? It means to give yourself to his shared life and bring all your thoughts, and dreams and wisdom and discernment and strength to his life and be a partner, a co-laborer with him in the good times and trials of life. Submission is not being a doormat! It is like Christ, who in his strength and power submitted to the Father’s will and brought all of His fullness to the Father in love and offered it as a living and dying sacrifice to the One he knew loved and shared with him fully.

I challenge you to struggle with these words and experience the life-changing power of a shared life!

Let Go of the Nut!

Do you know how some tribes capture monkeys?

They take a hollow log, cap the ends, drill a hole in the top and take it into the jungle. As they walk into the jungle, they make a lot of noise and draw the attention of the monkeys in the area. Finally, they drop nuts into the hollow log and move away to wait and watch.

Monkeys are curious animals and before long they come down from the trees and see the nuts in the hollow log. They push their hand through the hole and grab a nut.

What happens?

The hole is just big enough for the monkey's empty hand to slide through but with the hand full of nuts it is impossible to get its hand out. These monkeys will not let go and will frantically pull and pull while still holding on to the nuts.

As the tribesman walks toward the monkey to club it to death, the monkey, refusing to let go, sits there hopelessly stuck. What would it take to escape? Let go of the nut! Crazy monkeys!

The sad thing for us it that many times we are just like those monkeys - holding on to the things we want all the while they are killing us. If only we would let go of the nut we would be free and escape the clubbings of life.

More than you can imagine!

I'm always amazed at what we are able to do when we decide to do something. Two weeks ago, I was unsure if my leg was going to let me run the Chicago Marathon. Yesterday I ran all 26.2 miles of the Chicago Marathon and finished in 5:26:19 (5 hours - 26 minutes - 19 seconds).

What was the most rewarding part of the marathon? Having 55 of 56 people we trained through our Marathon Makeover program finish the whole marathon (the one who didn't, went 13.1 miles as was her goal after recovering from major surgery). Most of these incredible folks couldn't do much more than a mile last January and all of them made a decision to do more than they could imagine. We had those in their twenty's up to one 70 years old who finished in 8:02:22.

What have you not tried or dismissed because you thought it was more than you could imagine? Do something spectacular and go for something more than you can imagine!

Primary Emotions

Did you know there are two primary emotions and all other emotions spin off of them? It's true! All emotions flow from one of two wells.

What are they?

Love and Fear.

When you begin to understand that all emotions and reactions are rooted in one of these primary emotions you will be able to respond to your own and other's experiences in a much healthier way.

Is your husband controlling? Which well does that spring from?

Is your wife nagging? Is that rooted and grounded in love?

Are you stressing out? What are you afraid of?

The Scriptures tell us that perfect love casts out fear and the way forward when we spot a stream of fear is to respond with love. Speak to the fear with love and the well begins to run dry.

Triggers

The difficulty with the above proposed is that another's fear triggers in us our fear and fear is met with fear (or it's various expression). If we are to ever rise above this vicious cycle we must become rooted and grounded (or centered) in the love that God has for us. When we drink deeply and consistently from the wellsprings of God's unconditional love for us we are more apt to repay evil (fear) with good (love), not evil (fear) with evil (fear).

Now let me say, fear in and of itself is not evil - God made all emotions. When we are constantly driven by that emotion, however, we are not going to enjoy a healthy life or relationships.

Be aware of your experience and notice when you are operating out of fear. It is at that time, you - being created in the image of God - are free to make the most incredible choice - to act in a loving way.

You are deeply and eternally loved.

The Three Commitments of Successful Couples (Part 4)

The third commitment to successful couples is the commitment to love your spouse. Now, I know that may sound obvious, but in reality it is not an easy task given the culture we live in with its warped definition of love. Just what is love? Well, there are different types of love. Let’s look at those. When it comes to relationships and mate selection there are 4 different types and stages of love.

The first type of love that we are introduced to is physical love. This stage of love is something that we typically enter into around the age of 12 or 13 years old. It is the earliest and most immature form of love and is also psychologically superficial. In this developmental stage of love, all the attention is placed on the outside. You may see the captain of the football team getting together with the captain of the cheerleading squad because they make such a cute or handsome couple. He looks good, she looks good, let’s get together. In this Physical stage of love, love is something you make. Think back to when you were 13 years old and liked that girl or boy. You thought about holding their hand, then putting your arm around them, then hugging, then kissing and you can see the physical progression. It is all physically centered and will continue forward until someone puts on the brakes. Our pop culture reinforces this form of love with its music.

The second stage of love we come to is that romantic attraction. This developmental stage of love begins in the late teen years around 18 to 20 years old and becomes the primary reason we choose someone. How they make us feel is paramount and is the driving force for everything we do. This is also psychologically superficial and has a lot to do with ego enhancement. I like how you make me feel about me, you complete me. In this stage love isn’t something you make, but something you fall into.

And because the love is about ego enhancement, the dynamics can be very stormy. He is quiet and she is talkative. At first he likes how she carries the conversation and she like how he is a great listener but over time he thinks she talks too much and she hates how he never opens up. This stage of love can be like the bubble that pops and when it pops it is almost impossible to put back together.

The third stage is Personal qualities and this stage of love emerges in the early twenties when one has seen the shallowness of physical love, and been burned by romantic love and looks for a safe, good person. In this stage Love is not something you make or fall into or out of, but something you find and a big hunt begins.

Where is Love?

In this stage the intellect is in charge and is very picky. And the “right” person is defined in relation to the personal qualities that a person doesn’t have. They don’t smoke, drink, cuss. They don’t embarrass you or leave you hanging. And in this stage you begin to settle for certain things, but love is imperfect because your mate is imperfect and so you begin the process of trying to change your mate. Now of the three stages, this is the best because you are at least using your head, but it is still psychologically superficial because there is a failure to address one’s own issues.

In our culture most people do not marry in stage three or get on to stage four, which I will discuss in a moment. Most people marry in stage 1 or stage 2. Interestingly, almost all divorces occur in stage three. Here’s how this works.

If a couple marries in stage one, physical attraction, it usually takes 3-5 years for that couple to transition into stage three. It is at this point you hear things like, “Yea, they are a nice looking person and the sex is great but I don’t like this and that about them and if they would just change things would get better.”

If a couple marries in stage 2, Romantic attraction, it typically takes 5 to 7 years to transition into stage 3. It is at this point you hear from this couple, “I love them, but I am no longer in love with them.” Or “I love them but not the way that a wife should love a husband or a husband should love a wife.”

At stage 3, personal qualities, couples will do one of several things. Some will gut it out and spend the rest of their married life trying to change their mate. Others will take a more passive path and distract themselves with either work or children. Still, others will say to them self, “I married the wrong one!” and go looking for the right one, usually in stage one or two again.

Of first time marriages, 50 percent succeed, second marriages have a success rate of 35 percent and third marriages have a success rate of 15 percent. I believe the reason for the abysmal statistics is that of where and how couples marry. Couples marry with the most immature view of love and when they don’t develop into true love, they bail out and regress to an earlier stage of love and repeat the cycle.

So what is the answer? The answer is in transitioning into stage four. Stage four involves common values and shared goals. In this stage, love isn’t something you make or fall into; it isn’t something you find. Love is a choice to extend yourself in the best interest of your mate. In this stage both couples realize their love is imperfect but instead of trying to change their mate, they focus on changing themselves.

Growing up I heard my mother say to me, “Mark, there will come a time when you marry, when you will wake up and look at the person lying next to you and you won’t feel in love. And what will keep you there won’t be the feelings but your commitment to love your mate.”

When Robin and I married part of our commitment to each other was, “If we ever wake up and don’t love each other, we commit to love each other.” In our culture, love is more a feeling than a commitment of the will, but love is a choice.

The Scriptures tell us that where you invest is where your heart will be. The same is true with love. What the world calls love is really fondness. Fondness is the result of investing loving actions and thoughts. You can see why couples lose their fondness when they get to stage three because they are focused on the imperfections of their mate. When they began their relationship only positive thoughts and actions were given and on the occasion a mess up occurred, they were given the benefit of the doubt.

Over time, the positive thoughts and actions were replaced with small, annoyances that weren’t addressed, and distracted lives that left little time for connection. Successful couples realize that love is a choice to invest positively in each other and set out to build up a storehouse of positive encounters and memories.

Think about the law of harvest. The law of harvest states, “What you plant is what you reap.” But the law of harvest goes beyond that. We could say, “What you plant is what you reap in multiples.” When you plant one kernel of corn, you reap a whole ear of corn with many kernels. When you plant one bean seed, you get a whole bean plant with many beans. Plants reproduce like kind in multiples.

The same goes for love. Love invested produces love and fondness in multiples. Negativity invested in marriage produces negativity and annoyance in multiples. When I realized this I began to realize the secret to loving Robin and feeling connected. When I feel distant from her I no longer think, “If she would just do ________ then I would love her.” I now know and say to myself, “I really haven’t been investing much positive in my relationship with Robin. If I will do ____________ then I will feel close and reconnected with Robin." Where you invest is where your heart will be.

Invest loving thoughts and action; pull up the weeds of negativity in your marriage. Sit together and begin to dream together and define your common goals. This will fuel the fire of your love and will result in deep fondness. There is nothing magical about love, it is a choice to invest in the best interest of your mate.

So here are the three commitments of successful couples: righteousness, truth and love.

How can you begin to practice these commitments in your marriage? First of all, I want to challenge you to take some time alone and take your own inventory. Ask yourself the following questions: Are there any actions or attitudes that are un-loving that I am participating in and am blaming on my spouse? Am I focusing too much on my spouse and reacting to their actions and attitudes rather than being the person I want to be?

Take some time to pray to God and ask Him to show you your growth areas and areas of improvement.

Secondly, evaluate how honest you have been in the marriage. Are you honest with yourself? Are you honest with your spouse? Are you practicing honesty in all areas of your life? If you are dishonest at work it won’t be long before you will be dishonest at home and vice versa. Are there any nagging hurts you have buried because you have said to yourself, they just won’t understand or change? If so write those down and look for a time to bring those up. You cannot afford to bury those hurts. Remember, if you are on the receiving end of some of these complaints, they are the cheat sheets to your spouse’s heart.

Thirdly, make a list of all things you love about your spouse. It is a loving thing to dwell on their positives. Next, come up with a list of things you could do to show your mate you love them. Think back over the years together and try to remember the things they have responded best to you. If you think back on a very positive time in your relationship and realize the two of you were going on dates frequently. Plan a date! Get that baby sitter and go!

Together you need to discuss ways that you feel loved and what behaviors fill your love tank. When you are equipped with ideas to express your love, you will be far more effective in your commitment to love each other.

As always, if you find that you need some help in working on these issues call me at 601-924-3311 or email me.

The Three Commitments of Successful Couples (Part 3)

The second commitment of successful couples is the commitment to Truth.

Marriages can be severely damaged by dishonesty. Usually when I mention the issue of dishonesty, people run in their mind to infidelity. Infidelity, of course, involves dishonesty but a more subtle form of dishonesty destroys more marriages.

In the Song of Solomon, the writer says, “Catch for me the little foxes, the little foxes that spoil our vineyard, our vineyard that is in full bloom.” What are the little foxes that do so much damage?

“What’s wrong?"

"Nothing!”

Harboring the little things in one’s heart and going forward as if nothing is wrong is a form of dishonesty and is very destructive. I have seen many marriages damaged by the ongoing harboring of hurts and not airing out the differences.

Successful marriages have two people committed to being honest in everything. Now that doesn’t mean that couples say everything that comes to their mind. Sometimes selfish, immature things pop up in the mind and are better left unsaid. But it is those hurts and nagging frustrations that need to be discussed in order for there to be a great marriage. The Scriptures admonish us to speak the truth in love and successful couples manage to be transparent in a loving way.

Another way of looking at honesty is by considering it as intimacy. The best definition for intimacy is “into-me-see”. When you pull back the curtains to your soul and give your spouse the opportunity to know you, you are deepening your relationship.

“But Mark, you don’t understand. My spouse will not understand or respond to honesty. I don’t want my wife to know all that, they may get stressed or upset.” Intimacy or honesty isn’t always pain-free. It can be very painful.

When I lost my left hand at 9 years old, the doctor was trying to spare me pain by not opening up the wound and airing it out. When the buried dirt was covered and denied oxygen, gangrene began to spread and cost me my left hand and almost my life. When dirt is buried in the marriage it causes marital gangrene and may just lead to a marital amputation.

What might this honesty look like? One day I was working with a couple in my office and noticed the wife stroking her husband’s arm tenderly as they talked. What happened to me was the weirdest thing, my heart began to race and I wanted to throw the husband out of the room and let his wife pat me on my arm. Now, let me say here, it was not anything personally about that lady; it just connected with something that I was evidently missing at the moment. Later, upon reflection, I realized that Robin and I had been distant because of some life stresses and I had buried some feelings of loneliness and not discussed with Robin how I was feeling. I had pushed it down by saying to myself, “Oh she is busy and I don’t want to upset her by bringing up my needs.”

I knew then I couldn’t let it go. I went home and told Robin about my experience in the therapy room. She took it very well and understood that I didn’t want this other person but that it was touching on some need in our relationship. She was able to share with me some of her present needs and was able to hear mine and the two of us were able to reconnect.

Now imagine what could have happened if I had not been honest with myself or with Robin. I could have buried that loneliness and been a sitting duck if someone had come along and began to flirtatiously touch me. Dishonesty in the small matters compound to greater dishonesty and that is how affairs are created. Catch the little foxes.

When your spouse is honest with you, especially when the honesty hurts, don’t overreact. Getting mad and worked up only works to shut down future moments of “Into-me-see”. If you are hurt, acknowledge that and also thank them for being upfront and having the courage to share painful information. Most couples do not set out to hurt their mate, but intimacy can at times be painful. But by iron sharpening iron the two of you will strengthen each other.

You need to know that affairs begin with the thought, “I just can’t share these feelings with my spouse.” And usually life provides a temptation to open up with another. This is disastrous and a commitment to being honest can divert a lot of trouble.

Do you have any buried hurts or concerns you have not discussed? If so, don’t let the sun go down before you have begun to address them. That doesn’t mean you have to resolve them by sun rise, but you need to commit to stopping the cycle of drawing the curtains to your soul. Be honest.

More tomorrow!

The Three Commitments of Successful Couples (Part 2)

In order to understand a commitment, let me remind you of a common childhood practice. You and a friend are at a pool and decide that you want to jump in the water, but there is something about doing that alone that has made you hesitant. You strike a deal with your friend and decide to run together and jump in the water together. On the count of three the two of you will run and jump in together. One, two, three… and off you go. Then suddenly, both of you stop at the edge of the pool. You look at each other and say, “Why didn’t you jump?” only to hear your friend say, “Well, you didn’t jump either!”

Commitments are not like that example. Commitments are not valid only if both follow through. Commitments are the decisions to jump in the water whether or not the other jumps in and joins you.

A contract is dissolved if one or both parties don’t follow through with their obligation, but in marriage there are no contracts. Marriage is a covenant. A covenant is a commitment of the will that states “I will go forward whether you join me or not.” So as we examine the commitments of successful marriages, know that the really successful couples don’t say, “I will if you will!” but “I will regardless of what you do.”

With that in mind the first commitment of successful couples is a commitment to righteousness. What is a commitment to righteousness? It is a decision to walk in a way that is right before God whether anyone follows them or not. It is rejecting the declaration of Adam in the Garden of Eden of “the woman made me do it!”

When a person is commited to righteousness they are deciding to walk in a way that has an internal drive versus an external drive that reacts to circumstances.

When my twin daughters were just old enough to attend church for the first time, my wife and I prepared them to head off to church. Having twins, it is imperative to follow a pretty strict schedule of feeding otherwise you will be feeding all the time and lose your sanity. So just before we left, we fed our daughters and purposely did not pack their bottles because we knew that nursery workers would be quick to plug their mouth with a bottle at the first whimper and throw off our whole schedule. We had calculated that we would be at church for a total of three hours and we would feed them as soon as we returned home.

Sunday school and church went well and we were anxious to get our daughters home and feed them. But when we arrived at the nursery two things occurred that set my wife off. First, Anna and Kate had the customary masking tape on the back of their dress where their name was to be written, instead they had twin 1 and twin 2 printed on the tape, my wife was not happy, they were not numbers but persons. Secondly, when the lady handed twin one and twin two to us she looked at Robin as if to say, you neglectful mother, and said, “They are hungry you know.”

Now being a man, I thought, “yes they are and we are three minutes from home and will remedy that quickly.” Robin, however, heard condemnation and as soon as we got in the car she began to vent her frustration. I didn’t want to hear it. For some crazy male reason, I took her frustration personally and just gripped the steering wheel tighter and thought, “Thank the good Lord I am only three minutes from home.” But when we got home, she didn’t let up. She followed me to the bedroom where I was trying to get out of my Sunday best and continued to vent.

As I stood at the door to my closet pulling off my tie, I turned and with very harsh words lopped her head off. It worked! She got very quiet, but as I turned to hang up my tie, the Lord said to me, “Mark you were wrong. Yelling at her was not right.”

Everything inside of me wanted to say, “but...but... she was getting on my nerves.” BUT that didn’t matter, regardless of how she was acting, right or wrong, my actions were wrong. I stopped turned to her and said, “Robin, I just yelled at you. That was very wrong and unloving, please forgive me.”

I didn’t go into what she had done to contribute to the event. That was irrelevant and would have had me trying to remove a speck of dust from her eye while I had a 2x4 protruding from my own. I was determined to take responsibility for my actions, not take her inventory.

A few minutes later, Robin came to me and said, “Mark, I was so frustrated and hurt by what happened back there at the church that I was just beside myself. I took it out on you instead of taking it out with you. I was wrong, please forgive me.”

We were able to have a great afternoon together and get over that bump in the road.

When two people are quick to acknowledge their fault in a situation, without blaming their actions on another, they are going to have a healthier marriage.

I’m tired of being the first to say, “I’m sorry.”

I have heard this statement many times as a therapist and I think it is important to understand why being the first to say, “I’m sorry” can be very disturbing for many couples.

Couples who are committed to righteousness or shall we say “Right-ness” are eager to be the first to say “I apologize.” They will try to beat the other to the punch.

For many people, saying “I’m sorry” isn’t about acknowledging fault or taking responsibility for one’s actions. It is about trying to change the other’s feelings and attitude. “I’m sorry” is meant to say, get over it, move on, and let it go. This rarely is effective. Over time, you grow bitter because you are doing something to change another and not speaking the truth. You may be taking responsibility for something you don’t believe that you have done wrong just to “make it better.”

Being committed to “Right-ness” rules out the use of quick “I’m sorries” because your focus is not on changing your spouse but on changing yourself. I really don’t like the words “I’m sorry.” Why? Not because “Love is never having to say you’re sorry” but I don’t like the idea that taking on an attitude of groveling and poor mouthing yourself will restore a relationship to fellowship. Too many times, a quick “I’m sorry” doesn’t allow proper self-inspection.

When you take the time to say "I apologize for…" and fill in the blank with the actions you see as contributing to the problem, you are owning your behavior and looking to change yourself. There may be times when you don’t think you have done something wrong. It is at that time you need to say, “At this point I don’t see what I have done wrong but will think about it and let you know.”

The person committed to Right-ness will often pray the pray the words of Psalm 139:23 and 24, “Search me, O God, and know my heart; try me and know my anxious thoughts; and see if there be any hurtful way in me, and lead me in the everlasting way.” They realize they are capable of messing up and doing hurtful things so they are open to acknowledging their faults and working to change them.

You will be amazed how much more joy will come to your own life and to your marriage when you are quick to be humble and work on yourself and become determined to do what is right before God.

When your spouse is struggling to jump in the pool, sometimes your swimming around in the pool of doing what is right will give them the courage to join you.

What is the down side of doing what is right, regardless of what your spouse does? There is no downside! You are acting in a way that will bless your marriage and will give you self-respect.

The Three Commitments of Successful Couples (Part 1)

This week's blog will be a 4 part series on The Three Commitments of Successful Couples (Single people can benefit from this, too!)

For over fifteen years I have worked with couples as a Marriage and Family Therapist and have been able to see up close and in a very personal way, how these marriages work. I have observed those couples that can’t seem to get it together and those that really soar.

This blog is for you, the married couple, to gain insight into the lives of the successful marriages. I have observed and talked with many couples that have a marriage that ranks right up there with the best, and it seems to me that there are three things that separate them from the so-so marriages and the disastrous marriages.

These three things really are three commitments. I say commitments because they are personal decisions by the individual marriage partners that determine how they are going to act in any certain situation. Now I have never met a couple or individual for that matter, that lives out these three commitments perfectly, but the really great marriages have two persons that are determined to do their very best to live in a way that is faithful to these commitments.

What are these three commitments, well, we will cover them in short order, but first lets look at what the unsuccessful couples do that ensure they will be dissatisfied in marriage.

Dr. John Gottman of the University of Washington and the Seattle Marital and Family Institute has made a tremendous contribution to the field of marriage and family therapy provided by his years of research in marital relations.

At his Institute he has studied over 650 couples, tracking them for over fourteen years. He has observed their communication patterns and even gone as far as monitoring blood pressure, pulse rate, white blood count and other scientific data. In three different studies he has been able to predict at a 91-percent accuracy those couples that will divorce just by observing their interactions and information for 5 minutes.

Amazing research, indeed, and he lists in his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, the six warning signals that will lead to divorce. What are those Warning signs?

The first sign is a harsh start-up in discussions. Couples who regularly start off their arguments harshly are dooming their interactions to failure. As a matter of fact, 96 percent of the time you can predict the outcome of a conversation by the first three minutes of a 15-minute conversation. The scripture says that a soft answer turns away wrath but grievous words stir up anger. If your conversations start off harshly, stop, take a breather and come back after the two of you have had the chance to cool down.

The second sign is the presence of what Gottman calls the “Four Horsemen of the marital apocalypse.” They are number one – Criticism. Now every one has their complaints in a marriage but when the discussion moves from attacking the problem to attacking the person, you have crossed over into a destructive behavior.

The second horseman is contempt. Sarcasm and cynicism are types of contempt, as well as, name-calling, eye rolling, mockery and hostile humor. This is the most destructive of all the horsemen because it sends a powerful message of, “You disgust me!” Disgust or contempt doesn’t help solve a problem and lead on to reconciliation, but rather leads to greater conflict. Couples don’t move forward when they believe their partner doesn’t like them.

Think of contempt as a pair of glasses with very dark lenses. These shade everything you see and darken your perspective. These lenses must be changed if there is going to be any headway in a marriage.

The third horseman is defensiveness. This horseman usually accompanies criticism and contempt and it always escalates the tension. There is something in us all that wants to be right and good and defensiveness plays right into that desire. The beatitudes leads off with the statement, “Blessed are the poor in spirit, for they shall inherit the kingdom of God.” It seems that the entrance to real life is through the acknowledgement of our inability to do right at times, our coming to the place of accepting our bankruptcy before God and others.

Defensiveness asserts one’s innocence and projects the guilt back on the accuser. As I often say concerning communication, to understand where someone is coming from doesn’t mean that you agree with him or her. Listen carefully to what the other is saying, even if it is seasoned with criticism or contempt, and listen for the heart.

The fourth horseman is stonewalling. This usually occurs later on in a marriage when the three preceding horseman have had there chance to gallop through the marriage, but it is still destructive. It is very much what it sounds like. A person gets tired of the criticism, contempt and defensiveness and builds a wall around their heart so as to protect it. It comes across though as indifference. Whatever, I don’t care, yeah, yeah, or cold silence.

The third warning sign of approaching marital difficulty is flooding. Usually people stonewall when they feel flooded. Flooding means that your spouse’s criticism or contempt or even defensiveness, in other words – negativity – is so overwhelming that you feel you have stepped on a landmine. The driving goal at this point is to avoid what feels like a sniper attack and one begins to isolate and withdraw.

Habitual harsh startups, frequent flooding brought on by criticism, contempt and defensiveness are usually present in unhappy marriages.

The fourth warning sign is body language. Does your body experience distress when relating to your spouse? A typical heart rate for a man, 30 years old is 76 beats per minute and 82 for a woman the same age. When distress is experienced in an argument the heart rate can shoot as high as 165 beats per minute. When ongoing physical distress is part of a marriage it is a warning sign.

Men and women will experience this physical distress differently. As indicated by the increased heart rate, men are more easily overwhelmed by marital conflict than their wives. Just because your marriage may follow some of these patterns does not mean you will end in divorce but it does indicate that you need to learn new ways to relate.

The fifth sign is failed repair attempts. Almost all couples argue, some more than others. And almost all couples present what is called repair attempts. Repair attempts are white flags or yellow caution lights that are intended to bring the argument down a notch. This may take on the form of a joke, a knowing look or an “I’m sorry”. Healthy couples see these repair attempts and bring the conflict down to a manageable state but unhealthy couples speed right through the repair attempt and escalate the conflict.

Instead of looking to repair and reconnect as a couple, the couple in danger of divorce only wants a fight. This bid for reconciliation is unheeded and much hurt and destruction is perpetrated and perpetuated.

Finally, the sixth warning signal of a possible divorce is bad memories. When a couple is in danger, it is not just their present and future that are at risk, their past is in danger, too. Couples in marital trouble will begin to rewrite relationship history with negative slants. When asked how things were in the past, these couples find it difficult to remember anything positive or the past positives are quickly minimized by reports of enormous wrongs. These negative scripts become the dark lenses through which all things are filtered and there becomes little hope of building positive encounters.

According to Gottman, there are four final stages that signal the death knell of a relationship.

1. You see your marital problems as severe.
2. Talking things over seems useless. You try to solve problems on your own.
3. You start leading parallel lives.
4. Loneliness sets in.

It is at this time that many couples have waited almost too late to repair the marriage. I say almost, because there is always a chance to repair a marriage if two people are willing to do what it takes to rebuild. What is needed? Tomorrow we will begin our exploration of the three commitments of successful couples.

Creating a Real Soul Connection (Part 3)

What keeps us from experiencing life and freedom? Why is it that we are more prone to live out of toxic waste instead of rivers of living water? I think it is because we have neglected soul mechanics. We are not aware of how we work from the inside out. We have swallowed the lie that life is external. Change behavior and you have a healthy soul. This isn’t just something thought up by humanists, this goes back even to the Pharisees. People whom Jesus called white-washed tombs. You are behaving well on the outside but your insides are corrupted.

The physical nature of this world presses in hard on you and me trying to get our minds to conform to its way of thinking. It speaks a word of circumstances that sounds like this, “What you see is what you get!” There is nothing more than meets the eye.” The Scriptures call this flesh - the temporal system in which we live. The flesh does not point us to tomorrow or faith, but the present and self-salvation. It points out the present circumstances and tells you that you are on your own and if it is to be it is up to you. When things are flying high you feel alright and when things are out of control you panic. Either way you are left only with yourself and those you can control and manipulate to fix your present condition.

All the garbage and toxic waste you see in someone’s life is the fruit of a soul that is in some way trying to live independent of God and thus set out to save itself. Ultimately, the constant fluctuation of life leaves the person profoundly insecure. And this insecurity doesn’t leave us neutral, it sends us scurrying about trying to find a word, a substance that we can hang our hat on and find peace. And when we encounter someone who is bubbling up toxic waste, even when it is our spouse, we go into control mode. We attempt to clean up the toxic waste dump rather than cure the root of the diseased soul.

We go into what I like to call “sin management”; white washing the outside without curing the inside. Although this may work temporarily, it never lasts and it always leaves us more wounded and with a greater sense of helplessness. This physical system, the flesh, the world does not want us to know the truth. It knows that if we posses the truth we are free and no longer under the domination of the temporary system. And since the system itself knows that it can’t deliver the goods it just continues on its deceptive path of tricking you into submission to its whims.

Even the religious people around us can buy into this system. Some church structures are more interested in you being conformed to its system than being transformed by the spiritual. Conformity at all costs in order to control and keep you in submission.

God did not send his Son to manage our sin behavior. He would have had no need to; the Pharisees were behaving quite well. It has never been about behaving nicely. Jesus was not sent to teach people to conform to the moral code of the Ten Commandments, Jesus came to redeem, adopt, and secure a spot for us at the table. He came to accomplish his eternal plan which was transformation and participation in the home-life of the Father, Son and Spirit. And accomplish it he did.

The soul that is governed by the temporal system is bubbling up toxic waste produced by the credo “I am not (fill in the blank)! But I can become if (fill in another blank).” I am not special, but I can become if I become the head cheerleader. I am not significant, but I can become if I buy a 4 thousand square foot home. I am not beloved, but I can become if I can just turn my secretary’s head.” The list can go on and on and the strategies to salve the aching pain of the soul are endless, but only one will cure. It is to know the truth of the finished work of Jesus and to by faith find your identity, your true self, in Him.

What keeps so many marriages from being really soul connected and experiencing the joy of being soul mates is that they are busy trying to convert the toxic waste into living water. I hear over and over couples fighting like crazy to change the behavior of their spouse and most times it is because they have bought into the toxic lie of; “I am not special but if you will just show me attention I will become OK! Or I am not special but if you will just make love to me more frequently than I will be at peace.”

The more we try to change our mate, the more we are affirming the “I am not” message of the flesh. That increases the despair which intensifies the flow of toxic waste. How can we ever get off this roller coaster?

Creating a real soul connection is what we are talking about. We’ve discussed how we are living embodied souls in relationship. We’ve looked at how that means we work from the inside out and that real transformation occurs internally and works its way out. We’ve also talked about the fact that it is what you know in the depths of your soul that determines how you relate. If you believe that you are beloved then living water begins to flow out of your deepest parts and the relationships you are in nourishes those around you. If you believe in your soul you are not beloved, toxic waste will ooze out of your soul and will pollute the fellowship with others. Another thing we need to remember is that we are not talking about just a positive mental attitude of I am nice and attractive and doggoneit people like me. The knowing of the soul and cure of the soul comes only from finding your beloved-ness in relation to Christ.

Only the Eternal Word, Jesus, carries the weight and authority to speak to the soul and give it peace and rest. To hear the Word and trust the Word is to know peace. To reject the Word is to be left with yourself and you will inevitably go off looking for something to cure the pain of the soul.

We cannot begin to experience a real, healthy soul connection with our mate until the soul is healed and healing comes in relationship. No matter how good your relationship is, the cure for the soul will not come from your marriage relationship, however. There is a relationship that is more ancient and primary than your love for your husband or wife. It is the relationship with the Lover of Your Soul. The first place to begin in finding a soul connection is to give up on your spouse trying to save you. They are pointers to the cure they are not the cure. If your whole life is attached to the hope of your marriage, you are like the person who travels to a Holiday Inn and sleeps under the sign. You can say you slept at the Holiday Inn but you have missed the point and not really arrived.

When you begin to find your identity in relation to Christ, you will begin to have a center out of which you will be able to begin to love. You will not approach your mate in neediness but celebration and overflow. C.S. Lewis in his fantastic book The Great Divorce has an encounter of a husband and wife who meet in eternity. The husband has been in Hell and the wife in Heaven. He is chiding her for not coming to his rescue and living with him in hell. In the middle of their encounter he is appalled when she informs him she no longer needs him. She responds by saying, “Of course I no longer need you, what needs could I have now that I am in love Himself. Come with me we will no longer have any need for each other and we can begin to truly love.”

Neediness isn’t love, its dependency and dependency leads to crying for a bottle or a diaper change. That is the condition many couples are stuck in. The items are no longer diapers and bottles but rather attention, love, sex, money, and on and on.

If you and your spouse are in this journey together let me challenge you to look at each other and release each other from being your savior. Celebrate the fact that you are in Love Himself and that He will supply all your needs according to His riches and glory and affirm to each other your desire to participate in God’s love for your mate. True marital love is not filling the heart of your mate but sharing in God’s filling of your mate’s heart. When both of you recognize the source of your joy and passion you are also better able to accept the vessel’s limitations. We are wine bearers, not wine makers. Jesus is the winemaker.

If you and your spouse are not in this together and you are the only one trying to make it work, let me challenge you to confess to God your desire to let your spouse go from the role of being your savior. Celebrate the fact that you are in Love Himself and that He will supply all your needs according to His riches and glory and affirm to God your desire to participate in God’s love for your mate. Do not try to change your mate, love them with God’s love and acceptance.

Now let me be very clear here. Sometimes when a spouse is in a marriage where they are the only one trying it is possible to be in a place of abuse. To love your spouse with God’s love may require of you to say “No!” It may be that you have been a doormat because you have believed that you are not worth being treated well. Ask God for the knowledge and assurance of His love and to give you the courage to take a healthy and safe stand. If you need help doing this, seek competent counsel. At LifeChange Counseling Centers we are here to help.

So what do you do when you see the toxic bubble up in your spouse? Do you freak out and start screaming? No! Realize that toxic waste is the sign of a soul in pain. Help minister the cure and remember you are not the cure, giving in is not the cure, helping them see past their circumstances to who they are in Christ is the cure. Now I’m not talking about getting preachy with them. “Well, obviously someone’s forgotten who they are in Christ! You better get on your knees and beg God for forgiveness and get this toxic waste out of our living room.” That‘s not what we are getting at. What I mean is more like “Wow, honey, I see that you are really upset and hurting and I care. I also know that this bubble up isn’t who you are it is the pain of forgetting how precious you are. I want to remind you how precious you are to me but more importantly how precious you are to God. I know you are disappointed and I wish I could fix that for you, I can’t though, do you want to talk about the struggle inside your experiencing?”

You may be thinking that is too far fetched to ever happen, well it is if both of you aren’t willing to work toward being soul mates. This is only possible if the two of you want to be soul mates, and if you do, with Christ all things are possible!

If you are stuck in trying to become soul connected and need some help, give me a call at LifeChange and let’s try to work it out together.

Creating a Real Soul Connection (Part 2)

“Metanoia” is a Greek word that happens to be one of my favorite words. The word is rich in its meaning and gives us great insight into how change comes about. “Meta” means to change, turn or transform and “noia” means mind, knowing. The force of this “knowing” isn’t “I know that two plus two equals four.” It carries a meaning more in line with, “I know my wife and we have three daughters.” It means a deep working understanding and connection.

“Metanoia” means to radically transform your knowing, your soul knowing. What is the English equivalent of that word? Repent. Can you believe that? Usually the word repent is used way back on that “Actions” layer and someone is telling us to try harder to do right. But the truth of the matter is, repentance is about soul knowing and soul changing, and this is what today’s blog is all about.

The question we are all asking

As I mentioned earlier, we are all asking a question. That question is “Am I beloved?” Everything rises and falls on the answer we have for that question. If we answer, “Yes, I am beloved!” and we know that is true in the deepest part of who we are, then all those good peaceful, wonderful things will begin to flow out of us like rivers of water that produce life. If we answer, “No, I don’t think I am beloved!”, then all those negative toxic things will begin to flow from us and poison our relationships.

Now all of us at times, feel beloved, feel significant, feel special, but what I am talking about has to go beyond a momentary feeling. Feelings are situational and can turn on the dime when bad things happen to us. What I’m talking about is something more substantial and lasting. The knowing here is a spiritual knowing, not a physical knowing. A physical knowing is related to our present and momentary experiences. My wife is smiling at me or she is frustrated because I left that towel on the floor again. If we base our identity on our circumstances and present relationships we are in for a bumpy ride.

Let’s face it, circumstances and present relationships are fickle and always shifting, the knowledge of the soul has to attach to something more permanent, and the only permanent thing in this universe is not an “it” but a “who” and that “who” is God. There is only one person who carries the weight and authority to have his word stick and that is the Eternal Word of the Father, given to us in the Spirit – His name is Jesus.

I can rise or fall on a word, especially in those times when I am living a physical life; you know, trying to fix my life from the outside in not the inside out. I become dependent on my wife or job or some friend to tell me who I am. Once again the problem is the words sometimes change. If they are happy I’m up, if the cash flow is up I’m up, if they are calling me I’m up. But if all these things go down, I do too. And the difficulty in all this is that many times they go up and down irrespective of anything I do. People places and things are inconsistent.

I need to attach to something that transcends the physical. I need a Word that is consistent and true. The fact of the matter is I have been given that Word and you have been given that Word, too. He is the Eternal Word Jesus! The Father has given us His Word to demonstrate his love for us. Does the Father keep his Word? Yes! The Father keeps His Word at His right hand and you are bound up in His Word. In order for you to be worthless, the Father’s Word must become worthless and the Word, Jesus Christ will never be worthless or rejected or retracted by the Father. You are included in the Father’s loving Word. His Word was given for you.

Like anything related to words, if I do not listen to the word, do not know the word, the words do not impact me. The word spoken and delivered only set me free when I receive the word given me. If I reject the word, it doesn’t stir me. But what happens if I hear the word and receive the word and respond to the word? The word has transformed me.

In the same way, The Eternal Word, Jesus, has been given to me and you and as we receive the Word, and the Good Word to be sure, and we accept the Giver of the Word, the Father as being trustworthy, we have a constant, consistent Word to depend on. What is the communication of The Word? It is, “I have loved you with an everlasting love! Nothing can separate you from my love! I have bought you with a price and you do not belong to your self, but me!” Hear what the Word of God is communicating, take it in, let it sink to the depths of your soul and let it liberate you to know yourself and be yourself.

The Word of God tells us we are beloved! And our beloved-ness is not dependent upon ourselves, our behavior, or our ability to get it right. Our beloved-ness is secure in God’s Word, Jesus! When we know that in the depths of our soul, we are set free to live life abundantly. Joy and peace and life flow from our deepest parts and we can really begin to connect with others.

Creating a Real Soul Connection (Part 1)

How do you explain humans? There have been many attempts to explain humans and I guess the definition that I like the best is one that I have come up with in the context of connection with my life group that I get to meet with most Thursdays. My life group is made up of several guys, some pastors, some theologians, some business guys, but all real, down-to-earth fellows who are interested in one thing. We are in the hunt for life and living it abundantly.

We laugh together, cry together, pray together, and argue with each other and we wrestle over spiritual matters together. We share life and I’m not sure where I would be without these guys. The book of proverbs tells us, as iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens the other. This is what happens on Thursdays.

So back to the definition, I define humans as “living embodied souls in relationship.” Let me break that down. We are living. There was a time when we weren’t but now we are alive and we are living souls with a body. There will come a time when our bodies will die but we will continue to exist, as souls (with new bodies). This soul that we now have is in relationship. In relationship to God and to others and will continue to exist, for all eternity in relationship, hopefully in a right relationship of love and not one of rebellion. But that is another blog for another time.

The point I am trying to make is that the true essence of who we are is a living soul, and that living soul is in relationship, and is effected by relationship and will effect relationships. But right now, as living souls we are embodied and what goes on in the deepest part of who we are will take on physical or bodily form and impact a relationship.

Now I know that may sound convoluted and before you leave this blog, let me give you an example. At the heart of everyone is the desire to know, in the depths of the soul, that they are beloved. If a person knows, in the depth of their soul they are beloved, then that knowledge will work its way out into relationship. Or to put it another way, it will take on physical expression.

If I know I am beloved, and what I mean by that is, I am special, significant, deeply cherished, valued, etc. then what begin to flow out of my soul are peace, joy, hope, love, patience, assurance, confidence, fullness, as well as other things. I won’t have to think about it, it will just begin to bubble up and flow out and that is going to affect the way I relate. It will take on physical form. I may stop to help someone stranded; I may put my work down and actually focus on you awhile. I may not blow up at the first instance of things not going my way; I may actually be patient.

But if on the other hand, I am working out of a soul that believes at the deepest parts that I am not beloved; then I will begin to have other things bubble up and spill over into the lives of those I’m in relationship with. There will now be anger, resentment, bitterness, emptiness, fear, insecurity, depression, anxiety, angst, impatience and other things. This doesn’t stop on the feelings level; it gets fleshed out and takes on relational expression as well.

You can picture a person like that in a relationship, self-absorbed and angry. I think it would be safe to say that the person or persons in this one’s life would be walking on eggshells.

So let’s recap. We are living, embodied souls in relationship. We work from the inside out. What goes on in the deepest parts of our knowing, our souls, determine what we feel and how we behave. Some of the social scientists would have us believe that what is of the greatest need in creating great relationships is a behavioral change so we will go about working on skills training.

What being a therapist for over a fifteen years has taught me is that you can teach all the skills in the world and if there is not peace in the soul, there is not going to be a strong and satisfying relationship with anybody.

When most people present for couples therapy or for any therapy for that matter, they are doing so because they have looked at their lifestyle and have determined that the way they are living is no longer acceptable. But what do you do about it? Well, for starters, you must begin to peel back the layers to get at the root for there to ever be any lasting change.

Underneath lifestyle is another layer; I call it the “Results” layer. As a matter of fact, a lifestyle is nothing more than a compilation of a lot results. So in order to create a lasting change you must ask, how do I get different results? Well, results are created by “Actions”. I get it. I need to change my actions. And that is what most people do; they set out to change their actions by trying harder.

Do you want a good picture of what trying harder will get you? Watch the fly on the window pane. It is trying to break through the glass and get to freedom. It can see what it wants, it is right there in front of it, and it thinks if it can just try harder it can break through to freedom. The next day, you go to the window to check on the progress of that housefly and you find it dead on the window sill feet sticking up in the air dead from trying harder.

Many people feel like that fly. They want change in their relationship, they can see it right in front of them, but try as they might, they just can’t break through to that new way of relating and creating a soul relationship. You may experience temporary gains in your relationship but they are short lived and frustrating at best.

What do you do? You think and think and then one night as you are up late after a fight with your spouse you are flipping the channels and see this guy or gal on an infomercial telling you they can motivate you to change. That’s what I need, an attitude change, motivation.

So we move from Lifestyle, to Results, from Results to Actions and now from Actions to Attitude. If I can be more positive and get motivated, I can be a better spouse and get the love I want. I’ve heard it said that when you motivate an idiot, all you get is a motivated idiot. Motivation and attitude are important and are getting closer to the solution but changing your attitude is not the solution nor is it long lived. We have all tried to be more positive and loving in our marriage only to find something come along and knock the wind out of our sails.

Changing an attitude is one thing, maintaining that attitude is another. There has to be more if we are going to create lasting change, and there is. There is one more layer we must get to if we ever want to experience lasting change and that is our “Beliefs” layer. What we believe, our philosophy, our deepest knowing is the fountain out of which it all flows.

If down deep we see things in a new light, that will change our attitude, if our attitude is changed, then new actions will follow, if new actions follow, then new, positive results will come about and your marital lifestyle will change.

What changes in your beliefs need to occur? What do you need to know down deep in your soul to experience a life change? Pray about it. Think about it. I'll blog more on that tomorrow.

Things You Will Never Hear Men & Women Say.

Things you'll NEVER hear one guy say to another guy:

1. Does my rear look fat in this?
2. I'm tired of football. What say you to flipping the channel to that figure skating competition?
3. I can't stop fantasizing about Dr. Ruth!
4. I think those big, jacked-up trucks look ridiculous.
5. There's nothing I like more than a quiet evening at home, watching a movie on Lifetime about some woman who gives up her baby and then suffers miserably.
6. Want all my tools? I just realized I never do anything useful with them!
7. You know what always makes me cry? Those long-distance commericals.
8. I'm deeply offended by young women who go bra-less.
9. Our team lost 10-1. But we tried our best, and after all that's the important thing.
   

Things you'll NEVER hear one woman say to another woman:

1. That swimsuit really flatters your figure! Would you mind keeping my husband company while I go for a swim?
2. Oh, look, that woman and I have the same dress on! I think I'll go introduce myself!
3. His new girlfriend is thinner and better-looking than I am, and I'm happy for them both.
4. If he doesn't let me hold the remote, I get all moody.
5. He earned more than I did, so I broke up with him.
6. I'm sick of dating doctors and lawyers! Give me a good old-fashioned waiter with a heart of gold any day!
7. We're redecorating the bedroom, and he keeps bugging me to help him with the color choices!
8. He talks our relationship to death! It's making me crazy!
9. I just realized -- my rear doesn't look fat in this -- my rear *is* fat!

Humbling!

I want you to read the following email from Don Barr. Don is a young man just out of high school on a six month mission to India. He is working with an orphanage and a leper colony. Please pray for him and his team of twelve amazing young people.

Dear Friends and Family,

It is great to get to finally e-mail you all. Its only been about a week and a half here, but so much has been going on.. many ups and downs. I've experienced a multitude of things from simply playing cricket and having chai tea with the slightly upper/mid class at our appartment to playing and loving orphans to holding and crying with a leper to buying some food and eating it with the beggers on a sidewalk. The ministry and serving never stops.

The orphanage (our main reason for being here) is great, its such an escape just to drop life and pour into these children. Its a blessing to be with them whether we are rolling in the dirt and laughing with them, teaching them English, Art, Science, Social Studies etc. , playing various games and sports with them, teaching them about life and following Jesus, or simply holding their hands and walking around with them.

We are being a parents, mentors, teachers, children, and friends with and to them. These kids have such a passion for life and following Jesus (more so than I).. such a gentleness, love, and respect for this broken world that surrounds them and all of us. It is bitter-sweet though to see all of this surrounded by the "lot" that they have been given. These kids deserve so much more than what they have. All they have are basically the clothes on their backs, the shoes on their feet, a bible, and a bug ridden bed to sleep in... they don't know if they are going to have food from month to month. Yet they have our Jesus, they have our God.. and in that they are content. We all could and are learning very much from them, as they are learning what seemingly little we have to give.

The other day we went to the leper colony for the first time. I barely have an idea of what to tell you about that. All I could bare to write in my journal went something along the lines of "I held a man with leprosy today. I prayed for him.. I cryed with him... I wiped his tears with my hand... I whiped food and drool from his mouth and beard with a rag... I brokenly sang Amazing Grace and whispered Jesus loves you.. God loves you.. I love you... into his ear. He did not understand me. The contrast of his fingerless hands in mine broke both him and me. We wept together." I am trying to hold back tears now just writing that again. I will never forget him or the feeling of his hands in mine and the sorrow that it brought.

My computer time is running out but know there is so much more to tell. I could write for hours. Those are just two aspects of many in this rollercoaster of a trip so far. It certainly has been and will continue to be a time of growth and enlightenment. I have felt compassion on people like I have never felt before and I have also felt discouragement and doubts more than ever before. Its a war here of good and evil. Its very much a challenge and a struggle, but through it all I am slowly learning more and more what it means to follow Jesus. Please, keep myself, the team, and this opportunity in India in your prayers. I thank everyone of you for playing a part in making this journey possible. You are truly with the team and myself as we brokenly are trying to be the arms and feet of Jesus. Continue to follow the truth wherever you are. Whether it is holding a leper or holding a door. Be Jesus to people in this broken world.

With
Love,

Don Barr

How to Really Make a Fool of Yourself

Having been in a little crazy mood I decided to go in a little fun direction and look at The Top Ten List of Ways to Really Make a Fool of Yourself.

1. Whatever you do, don’t ever go on a reality TV show where you are supposed to pick a marriage partner.
   
2. Whatever you do, don’t ever go on a reality TV show where you are supposed to be picked as a marriage partner.
   
3. Whatever you do, don’t ever go on a reality TV show where you are supposed to eat worms or cow eyes.
   
4. Whatever you do, don’t ever go on a talk show and let your best friend know you have a secret crush on them.
   
5. Whatever you do, don’t ever go on a reality TV show where you are judged by a bunch of goobers telling you whether you are hot or not.
   
6. Whatever you do, don’t ever go on a reality TV show having tattooed the name of the show on your body only to lose and have a permanent reminder of having made a fool of yourself.
   
7. Whatever you do, don’t ever go on a reality TV show where you get to pick a million dollars or the man and take the man instead of the money.
   
8. Whatever you do, don’t ever go on a reality TV show where you are stranded on an on an island and parade around in your birthday suit.
   
9. Whatever you do, don’t ever go on a reality TV show bragging about your survivor skills and be the first one voted off.
   
10. Whatever you do, don’t waste your life by sitting in front of the TV watching reality TV shows all the time.

Making a Life Change to De-stress Your Life!

1. Set Your Priorities.

• Take the time to decide what is important to you.
• Don’t over commit because you are afraid to say “No”.
• The Scriptures tell us that “each of us should give what we have decided in our heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God love’s a cheerful giver.”
• Write down your priorities -you must stay true to your basic principles and priorities for your life to work and remain in balance.
• Examine how opportunities connect with your purpose. If they do not fit, do not commit.

2. Put a Stop to the things you don’t want to do.

• What are things that add the most stress to you?
• Stop or change how you approach them
• It is OK to nix from your life the things that stress you out. Is a coronary by-pass surgery really worth it?
• Get realistic and set some limits and cut from your life the things that make you wig out.
  

3. Proper Prior Planning Produces Premium Performance.

• Making a game plan helps you perform better. Create with your family members an events calendar and do your best to stick to those things on your calendar. Remember to make it fit your priorities.
• Create a to-do list along with schedules and completion dates.
• Make realistic plans and allow for down time. Plan for down time. Relaxation has to be planned.
• Use your game plan as an out when asked to do something that you would rather not do. “Oh rats, I’d love to but my calendar is already booked for that time. Even if what you have booked is relaxation, you are staying true to your plans and priorities.
• Even after you create your list, ask yourself: “Can I still scale back?”

4. Share the Joy - Delegate.

• You are not God so don’t try to do this all by yourself. Come to think of it, God being all those things doesn’t try to do it all by himself. God delegates, so should you.
• When we delegate, we are saying to those around us, you are significant to me.
• Now keep in mind, delegating is not shirking, it means divvying up the tasks and the master list and getting others involved. Divvy up the list based on age and ability and share the joy this holiday season and minimize your stress.

5. Don’t go over budget.

• Money worries can be one of the major causes of stress.
• Create a budget and stick to it!

6. Simplify Your Life.

• Use the Internet!
• When you need something, call first, anything that will keep you from making fruitless trips.
• Create a plan.

7. Carpe Diem – Seize the Day.

• Smile and look around for beauty and joy.
• When you reduce your load and focus on the areas of priority and passion, you will be better suited to soak in the glory of life.
• Enjoy your children now! Roll on the floor, sing songs, laugh a lot.
• In Brennan Manning’s Book, “The Boy Who Cried Abba” a young boy meets Jesus and as they sit and talk over a fajitas. The boy is amazed at the way in which Jesus devours his food, relishing each and every bite. Jesus is aware that the boy is watching and says to him, when you get to heaven, little friend, Abba will not ask you how many prayers you said or how many souls you saved. He’ll ask, “Did you enjoy the fajita?” He wants you to live with passion, in the beauty of the moment, accepting and enjoying his gifts.

8. Stay Healthy.

• Take care of yourself.
• Create and stick to an exercise routine.
• Energy creates energy and when you exercise you are helping yourself get through life with less stress.

9. Treat yourself nice.

• One of the best ways to reduce the stress in your life is to treat yourself in small or big ways with things or activities that bring you pleasure such as a long bath, relaxing in front of a crackling fire, of course if it is cold enough, or snuggling up with a good book or movie.

10. Take the Time to Worship.

• What does worship look like? Well, it can look like enjoying fajitas, unwrapping presents, celebrating with friends. Some churches sing the doxology, “Praise God from who all blessings flow.” Worship is entering into life with thanksgiving and being ready to give an account for the hope that you have.

Healthy vs. Happy

Many people mistakenly think that the goal of life is to be happy. Nothing could be further from the truth. Now don’t get me wrong, I like being happy. But many people confuse the subject and begin to pursue those things that make them happy at the expense of being healthy.

A good life, one well-lived will not always be a life of constant happiness. But many people, in the pursuit of happiness will jeopardize their health and in actuality wind up very unhappy in the long run.

Have you heard of the marshmallow test? A researcher places a marshmallow in front of a 4 year-old and gives this choice: “I am leaving for a few minutes to run an errand and you can have this marshmallow while I am gone, but if you wait until I return, you can have two marshmallows.”

Researchers at Stanford University ran that test in the 1960s. A dozen years later, they restudied the same children and found that those who had grabbed the single marshmallow tended to be more troubled as adolescents. Astonishingly, the one-marshmallow kids also scored an average of 210 points less on SAT tests.

Daniel Goleman tells that tale in his book, Emotional Intelligence, to illustrate the importance of early character training. But it is also an excellent reminder of just how important it is to delay gratification. Eating a marshmallow now would definitely make you happy in the moment but learning to wait for two, which is a healthier response, will ensure long-term happiness.

What are the contributors that lead us to this unending pursuit of happiness? For one thing our constitution encourages this…life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. While it is important that we have the freedom to pursue those things that we are called to do, it seems that we are a nation obsessed with doing whatever makes us happy. We are a nation that grabs the one marshmallow and then expects to get more for just being alive. Life doesn’t work that way, and when it doesn’t we become focused on our neighbors marshmallow and covet theirs and scheme to acquire theirs.

This is a sure fire way to create a life of misery. It may provide happiness for a season but in the end it will result in unhealthiness and will drive away any possibility of happiness.

The second contributor is that of the health and wealth, happy god we have created that says, “If you follow me, I will make you happy!” Who is this god? The Living God, who revealed himself in Jesus Christ is said to have been a man of sorrow and acquainted with grief. Following this God may lead you to give up your coat, your food or even your life. This doesn’t always produce happiness but may increase your joy!

Judy Garland sang the song, “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” and to many the dream of happiness is somewhere over the rainbow waiting as a pot of gold. Happiness is outside of you, away from your life situation, on the other side of the fence where the grass is greener. Many divorces occur because a spouse beliefs that there happiness is tied to another person. This belief begins with the hopes that their spouse will make them happy but over the years they come to believe another story. Not, my happiness isn’t dependent on another person but, “My life is dependent on another person, I’ve just realized you are the wrong person.” So with that epiphany, they take off in the pursuit of happiness with another. “After all, God wouldn’t want me to live my whole life unhappy!”

Happiness is a great emotion when placed in the proper order. Happiness at the expense of healthiness will not be long-lived, but happiness subordinated to healthiness will give one years of joy and greater moments of happiness.

As a child, I used to complain to my mother, “I’m bored!” only to hear my mother respond, “Read a book.” What was I after as a child? I was looking for someone to rescue me from my misery. My mother wisely new that I had to take responsibility for my experiences and I needed to find healthy ways to enjoy myself. As I grew older I realized that others aren’t responsible for my happiness, they are contributors but they don’t cause my happiness. What does lead to good life?

Proverbs 3: 1- 8 says:

“My son, do not forget my teaching, but keep my commands in your heart, for they will prolong your life many years and bring your prosperity. Let love and faithfulness never leave you; bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart. Then you will win favor and a good name in the sight of God and man. Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. Do not be wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord and shun evil. This will bring health to your body and nourishment to your bones.”

Pursue healthiness, you will experience much more happiness that way.

Sex Rules

Believe it or not I have three rules for sex in marriage that, if they are followed, will lead to a great, healthy, fulfilling sex life.

What are they?

Rule 1 - When both of you want to have sex - GO FOR IT!
This rule is rarely if ever hard to keep. When the two of you are in the mood the fireworks usually begin.

Rule 2 - If you can - DO!
In other words, if one of you wants to and the other is emotionally and physically able to give - give. Many times one spouse is in the mood and the other just isn't thinking about it at the moment; however, with a little TLC and time cuddling things will get moving.

IMPORTANT - It is not the amorous partner's role to tell the other they can. "Honey, I really think you can - you just don't realize it." This is a violation of Rule #2.

Rule 3 - If you can't - DON'T!
If emotionally and physically one of you can't give sexually from the heart, just say no. It is when couples respect each other's "no's" without guilt, huffing and puffing, sighs and snide comments they are more likely to have more success keeping Rules 1 and 2.

For a great resource on sex and marriage go to www.themarriagebed.com